Mr. Letterman, Please Don’t Sue Me
Well, the first hours of BRK Rule have passed in the guild and, while there hasn’t been a storming of the Bastille, many of the guild are gathering in small groups and discussing what life would be like without the incompetence of the current administration hindering their lives. What could they possibly be complaining about? Well, BRK has some ideas:
The Top 10 Most Grievous Errors and Knucklehead Decisions Made by the New GM
10. Outland Naked Gnome Race. Naked gnome races have been done before, but it was BRK’s idea to have a level 1 gnome race from Shattrath City to Honor Hold. We summoned 45 level one gnomes to Shat and, for two hours, their squashed little bodies littered Terokkar Forest, barely able to rez before they aggro’d half the zone. The 100g prize went unclaimed, and several obscenities were hurled in guild chat. This, of course, led to…
9. Guild Chat-and-Vent Governess Powergrab. Our denizen of the public chat channels got addicted to power during the gnome race. Her screams of “WUT?! NOT IN MY CHANNEL! YOU’RE BANISHED!” and “OMG I’M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR TONGUE WITH TWEEZERS FOR THAT COMMENT!” slowly changed her into a Mussolini-esque totalitarian. She turned in her robes for a black-leather ensemble and stole her succubus’ whip. One terrified young mage accidentally told her that warlocks can’t wear leather… we have not seen him since, but a muffled scream from the far reaches of the Caverns of Time sounds suspiciously like, “…leather… it looks good on you… I swear…”
8. Mage Nicknames. Just like the president has nicknames for his closest advisers, BRK decided to give all his guild’s mages names, but from vending machines. They guy who got “Coke” and the girl who got “Pepsi” didn’t do more than grumble, but “Dirty Old Sandwich” and “Sh!tty Coffee” were vocal in the extreme. They tasted Jazzy’s whip, though, but that’s not such a good thing anymore, I think.
7. Tacitly Authorizing the Main Tank’s Boyfriend Killing Spree. Our main tank is a lovely girl, a surgical nurse, and has the ability to curse so sweetly, it’s like music. The problem is that she collects boyfriends… and eventually kills them. It used to be a quiet, reserved affair. A new boy would join the guild, Tiggy would announce that he was her boyfriend (no courting for Tiggy, just bam!) and eventually, we’d talk amongst ourselves, “Have you seen Xentress?” “Have you seen Doom?” Of course, their corpses were long decomposed by then. But now she just cackles maniacally and announces, “Dudels! My new boyfriend! Enjoy the next week or so, for it’ll be your last!” As the GM, I should do something… but I’m the only boyfriend to ever survive, and I’m not willing to push my luck.
6. Promoting the Diet Coke of Evil to Officer. To say her reign of terror recovered like it had never stopped would be an understatement. Drunk on Tequila and overloaded on salt, she goes after guildies and non-guildies alike with her burning hatred of the human species. She has adopted BRK’s motto, “Vee Vil Haf Compliance!” as her own and uses it as a battle cry as she wades into both friend and enemy alike. We call her Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor, but just never to her face.
5. Giving the Potion and Herb Bank to Luineannon. The herb bank used to smell sweet and fragrant. Now the acrid gasses and hazy fumes that come out of that place make the Chernobyl accident look like something one could clean up with a paper towel. I don’t know what she’s doing in there, but it is obviously neither good nor safe. We’re supposed to be sending her motes so she can advance her alchemy, but I’m afraid if she advances it any further, she’ll mutate to a higher level of consciousness and smite us all just for her amusement.
4. Respec Night. BRK dug into the guild coffers and provided every 60+ with enough gold for a respec so they could try something they never had before. Pure arcane mages, survivalist hunters, balance druids, discipline priests, and 20/21/20 warriors and rogues. BRK did not, however, provide the funds for everybody to switch back… and the resulting catcalls and epitaphs were both loud and creative.
3. Duel Days - 70s versus all-comers. Each battle was a level 70 against another player, level 59 or below. We had level 27 mages against level 70 warriors, level 33 hunters against level 70 druids, and in one particularly spectacular duel, a level 4 dranei priest against BRK himself. The 13 year old girl who was playing “Nursesweetie” apparently was overcome and devastated by the mauling a level 70 hunter’s pet can do against a squishie wearing three pieces of gray cloth armor. Her parents came on Vent and told us that BRK could expect a bill from the the little girl’s psychiatrist, as well as a swift, sharp kick in the… well, Jazzy slammed the door on that one.
2. Making Riddyck and Criticalshot the Guild Ambassadors. Basically, they are responsible for finding new members for the guild, interviewing them and making sure they are decent people. It seems they’ve modified the role into seeing how many, “hot foxes” they can lie to and cajole into join the guild long enough for them to… well, be “friendly with”. They have sent so many disillusioned and legal-council-seeking females to the lawyers.com website that BRK has received checks from their discrimination department, thanking us for the extra business.
1. Leading a PvP Battle Against Shattrath City. BRK likes his blended whisky on the rocks, but sometimes it doesn’t like him. After a particularly “interesting” night of taste-testing several (read, 27) blends, BRK decided the most advantageous thing to do was lead a PvP raid. Most of the guild joined, but didn’t know the objective were the Naru. As we attacked the their 72 elite leader in the center of the city, the entire population of Outland - Horde, Alliance, and NPCs - flagged and turned practically the entire population of the guild into a smoldering, greasy spot on the Inner Ring floor. BRK’s call of, “Wasn’t that fun!” was answered with colorful metaphors and sentiments like, “perhaps there’s a twink guild that I could join… maybe a new server would be nice… I should just watch more tv…” The next day, BRK tried to explain that he didn’t mean Shattrath, he meant Darnassus; they sound so similar it was an easy mistake to make. Of course, the guild reminded BRK that, “Darnassus is Alliance, and so are we, you drunk, glassy-eyed, incompetent, bed-wetter!”
BRK is hopeful that he will learn from his mistakes from his first day on the job and do much better tomorrow.
Edit: If you’ve never seen the original 1968 Mel Brooks movie, The Producers, staring Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder looking younger than you would ever imagine, you’re doing yourself a tremendous disservice.
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6 Responses to “Mr. Letterman, Please Don’t Sue Me”
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Torguemada, she will not be swayed from her path,
Torguemada, don’t ask her for pity,
Torguemada, do not beg her for forgiveness
Torguemada, will show you no mercy
let’s face it you can’t Torquemada anything.
(Said as Talk-um-outta for those not familiar with the film)
Kinda mangled since it was a girl bein Torque.
If you can slam down Mel Brooks movie reference in response to a BRK post, ya get +5 cool points. Nicely done.
But remember, “It’s Good To Be King” is a buff you get when you kill King of the Gordok in Dire Maul North. If you had slapped that upside BRK’s noggin, ya would had a +25.
Yeah well since i have been in Diremaul all of….2 times. It wouldn’t have pooped into my mind wuick enough to matter. As it was i scoured the interwebs(limited as it were from work) to try an find the actual quote so I could more cleanly translate it into proper form for the response.
P.S. Dont forget to use the “Roman Red” for quick get aways.
I laughed so hard at #10 my parents were like “what are you doing upstairs???” annnd i had to close my laptop xD
Thank you excaliber for letting me know this made you laugh. I was tremendously happy with this post, it’s one of my favorites.
#7. Heh. Blogs is great fer assasinating yer friends characters. I’s gonna have ta ask her to lay some of that “curse so sweetly, it’s like music” mojo on me some time.
Reminds me, I ain’t called any of me friends a drunken illeterate cradle-robber fer some time now. Gonna haveta work on that…