We Like Raspberry Coffee, Deal With It
/Daniel on
One of my first jobs in high school was working at the local hardware store. Over time I learned enough to be put in charge of the plumbing and electric section. I solved problems for people who knew what they wanted to do but didn’t know how to get it done.
For example, all the old construction in our neighborhood was hooked up to cast iron pipes. How do you hook up modern plastic pipes, (Polyvinyl chloride, aka PVC,) to cast iron? Well, you use a special fitting, molten lead and a piece of rope-like material called Oakum. We sold all the parts and tools and I gave demonstrations of how to melt the lead blocks in a special pail and pour the stuff into a Oakum-packed PVC/cast iron joint. This was way before Home Depot showed you how to paint flowers using sponges. /scoff
This and other demonstrations were occasionally attended by the plumber-helpers in the area as they learned their craft. Pretty cool for a high school kid.
So in one of these classes there was a plumber’s helper who was one of the biggest men I’ve ever seen. There are big guys, really big guys, then there are professional football player-big guys. Have you ever met someone 6′7″ and 375 pounds? Massive human beings, pretty much a different species. Bare arms as thick as tree-trunks, shoulders-chest-stomach-waist-thighs all one section, legs that no traditional clothing could possibly cover, feet that looked like leather-clad man-hole covers. This guy was all that. He wore nothing but a leather vest, even in winter, had a deep, gravelly voice, and probably had enough testosterone to impregnate an entire convent from 1000 yards.
Well this plumber was very impressed with the Oakum demonstration and came back to the store often to purchase as-needed supplies for ongoing jobs. One could always tell he was visiting because the floorboards would shake as he walked.
Now the plumbing and electrical section was in the basement of the store but we could hear the ongoings near the cash registers upstairs. One day we hear the manager call out,
“HEY! You can’t bring that dog in here!”
And the response was easily identified as our fried Mr. Huge Plumber,
“Oh, he won’t hurt anybody. He’s on his leash.”
And he started coming downstairs when he bellowed,
“C’MON RAMBO!!”
We stopped still in our tracks. What the h3ll kind of dog was this guy bringing downstairs? It must be an elephant. A lion. The dog this guy must own will probably eat high school kids for snacks! This cannot be good.
Down the stairs he clomped. Bam! Bam!
“RAMBO!! STOP THAT!!”
Oh my god, he’s having problems controlling his wildebeest. We’re underground; there’s no escape! We’re gonna die!
“Hey! Cmere and hold this!” He moves with the grace of a mountain slide and we are covered in darkness as he eclipses all light. He pushes something against our chest; it’s furry. It must be live food for Rambo!
“Don’t worry, Rambo won’t piddle on you.”
Piddle?
We look down in our arms, and quivering inside a tiny Harley Davidson leather jacket is a Chihuahua.
Rambo the Chihuahua. Whose master is so big his presence bends light and whose mass is so great he exerts an effect on the Earth’s gravitation field. He owns a Chihuahua.
I cautiously guffawed.
/snort
He stops walking. He doesn’t look around. He just Is. For a minute, he doesn’t move. And neither do I; my lesson had been learned.
Teddy Roosevelt said, “Walk softly but carry a big stick.” An equally poignant motto is, “Walk however you want, carry whatever you want. If you have a problem with it, I’ll pound you so hard your grandkids will have bruises.”
Too bad, I’m only 6′ 195 though. Guess I’ll have to stick with the Big Stick theory.
/Daniel off
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20 Responses to “We Like Raspberry Coffee, Deal With It”
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Nicely written dahm, and brought back some memories of a few good old boys I used to know in southern Missouri.
Hah. I enjoyed that story. However, I’m 6′ 143lbs, so I can’t even wield the big stick.
rofl …this is great … theorycraft blog on plumbing …..
btw, how long ago was that cause we use ABS pipe w real seals here as ur not allowed to smelt lead in the city? i ask cause i have a home inspection company and don’t run into lead seals much at all.
great story tho …reminds me of the time when my car broke down and i ended up waiting for the bus. well, what must have been that guys brother was quietly waiting also. we all get on the bus and when he steps in the bus, it sinks a good 6 inches on that side. everybody looks. then he asks the driver if the bus stops at some address in this hi pitched michael jackson voice and the whole bus goes deathly quiet. he turns and looks down the bus, and everybody looks away really quick trying not to laugh. it just caught us all off guard.
Nice story but I thought it was going to be about why you like Raspberry Coffee so much 0.o
<3
anon,
it is, it’s about being your own man and who the heck cares what others think of you. Hopefully, BRK realizes my comment was in jest.
BRK, drink your raspberry latte, we don’t care (I checked with Whitemane, he actually likes it that you drink that stuff, so you will taste better when he chews on your face), be who you want to be.
I haven’t needed a Big Stick to threaten with since I stopped growing at 6′6 when I was 14 - the height did all the talkin’ as far as anyone cared then or now.
What is your raspberry coffee formula?
BRK,
Did you ever spend a whole bunch of time explaining and showing a customer how to do that and then after all of your effort they totally whine and complain about the price?
I used to work for a plumbing/sprinkler supply company and that would drive us crazy - we don’t care if you go to home depot where it’s cheaper but man if you want us to walk you through everything at least be kind enough to purchase it here!
Anyhow - thank goodness for fernco’s now it’s easier to hook up from cast iron to pvc or abs.
Love the blg BRK, please keep up the good work.
It never occured to me to associate raspberry coffee (I actually never knew raspberry coffee existed) with anything at all, be it manliness, the orbit of Mars or why the process of photosynthesis has never been fully understood.
6′6″, you say, kruncs?
/sidle
/flirt
@ TJ
/snort
/w Size Queen!
Hey, I know what I like.
/fluff hair
pft …. 6′6″
i jump over bigger guys than that just to get into fights …..
/raises eyebrow
ya ..u heard me …. lol
Do you seriously live in Oyster Bay? I live like, half an hour away.
I think. I get confused by Long Island.
I live in 2 mins away from oyster bay. But thats in longisland.
I seriously squirted coffee outta my nose at this one. Being a guy cranking 6′5″ and a decent sized 320lbs. I’m just a few shy of this guy you speak of. Theres a building where i deliver to offten that was built in the 50s. It has a secong floor that looks like is was an after thought at the time of constuction. IT has what sounds like a ply wood floor. Most people who work there walk softly to keep from bothering the other people and the poor people downstairs…..not me. I just vist there. Top it off i wear military grade combat boots as PPE. +25lbs to gross wieght. They know when i am walking the secong floor let me tell you. The walls shake and a poor trophy cabinet in the hall mimics the walls every time im there. im pretty sur that cabinet has had to be moved back to it original resting place several times after i make a delivery there. This is just me walking normally, cant imagine if i was running what that would doo to the building….or stomping for that matter.
Oh and i will NEVER OWN A CHIWHOOAHWHOOAH!!!
Great story BRK.
Great story.
And it’s spelled “Chihuahua” BTW
Hmmmm…well I guess lead poisoning would explain why you can’t help but root for the Steelers.
While I still love my tallstrider, i went out and tamed me a cat last night. We’ll see how she works out. Clearly she’s not a Hobbes yet.
Aerlian and [cat]
Just don’t carry a stick too big. It might knock you off balance and you could spill your sissy-girly drink. I know mages like those girly drinks, what with the dresses they wear and all. It’s just not accepted in the dwarven hunter circles. Just follow the don’t ask, don’t tell policy and for the love of god don’t let Hobbes know.
Mrs. BRK said…
“Sissy girly drink?” If you saw what the BRK was packing, you’d start drinking them too.