We Like Raspberry Coffee, Deal With It
/Daniel on
One of my first jobs in high school was working at the local hardware store. Over time I learned enough to be put in charge of the plumbing and electric section. I solved problems for people who knew what they wanted to do but didn’t know how to get it done.
For example, all the old construction in our neighborhood was hooked up to cast iron pipes. How do you hook up modern plastic pipes, (Polyvinyl chloride, aka PVC,) to cast iron? Well, you use a special fitting, molten lead and a piece of rope-like material called Oakum. We sold all the parts and tools and I gave demonstrations of how to melt the lead blocks in a special pail and pour the stuff into a Oakum-packed PVC/cast iron joint. This was way before Home Depot showed you how to paint flowers using sponges. /scoff
This and other demonstrations were occasionally attended by the plumber-helpers in the area as they learned their craft. Pretty cool for a high school kid.
So in one of these classes there was a plumber’s helper who was one of the biggest men I’ve ever seen. There are big guys, really big guys, then there are professional football player-big guys. Have you ever met someone 6′7″ and 375 pounds? Massive human beings, pretty much a different species. Bare arms as thick as tree-trunks, shoulders-chest-stomach-waist-thighs all one section, legs that no traditional clothing could possibly cover, feet that looked like leather-clad man-hole covers. This guy was all that. He wore nothing but a leather vest, even in winter, had a deep, gravelly voice, and probably had enough testosterone to impregnate an entire convent from 1000 yards.
Well this plumber was very impressed with the Oakum demonstration and came back to the store often to purchase as-needed supplies for ongoing jobs. One could always tell he was visiting because the floorboards would shake as he walked.
Now the plumbing and electrical section was in the basement of the store but we could hear the ongoings near the cash registers upstairs. One day we hear the manager call out,
“HEY! You can’t bring that dog in here!”
And the response was easily identified as our fried Mr. Huge Plumber,
“Oh, he won’t hurt anybody. He’s on his leash.”
And he started coming downstairs when he bellowed,
“C’MON RAMBO!!”
We stopped still in our tracks. What the h3ll kind of dog was this guy bringing downstairs? It must be an elephant. A lion. The dog this guy must own will probably eat high school kids for snacks! This cannot be good.
Down the stairs he clomped. Bam! Bam!
“RAMBO!! STOP THAT!!”
Oh my god, he’s having problems controlling his wildebeest. We’re underground; there’s no escape! We’re gonna die!
“Hey! Cmere and hold this!” He moves with the grace of a mountain slide and we are covered in darkness as he eclipses all light. He pushes something against our chest; it’s furry. It must be live food for Rambo!
“Don’t worry, Rambo won’t piddle on you.”
Piddle?
We look down in our arms, and quivering inside a tiny Harley Davidson leather jacket is a Chihuahua.
Rambo the Chihuahua. Whose master is so big his presence bends light and whose mass is so great he exerts an effect on the Earth’s gravitation field. He owns a Chihuahua.
I cautiously guffawed.
/snort
He stops walking. He doesn’t look around. He just Is. For a minute, he doesn’t move. And neither do I; my lesson had been learned.
Teddy Roosevelt said, “Walk softly but carry a big stick.” An equally poignant motto is, “Walk however you want, carry whatever you want. If you have a problem with it, I’ll pound you so hard your grandkids will have bruises.”
Too bad, I’m only 6′ 195 though. Guess I’ll have to stick with the Big Stick theory.
/Daniel off
