Story Time - Non WoW, But We Promised
A BRK-reader just wrote an email from Holloman AFB. Those folks just went through a very horrible week due to an Operational Readiness Inspection. So for them and all the military-folks out there, here’s:
The Totally True, We Swear It, BRK ORI Story
/daniel-mode on
In 1996, I was stationed at Misawa AB, Japan when I first met the thing called an ORI.
An ORI? The Air Force has this little thing called an Operational Readiness Inspection where it tests a military base’s capability to respond in time of a war or other surprise. What happens is a plane lands and a high-ranking military official respectfully requests the base commander’s presence. They meet and the base commander is handed a folder that says,
“Congratulations, your base is at war. Be prepared to deploy to Location X in 48 hours. Good Luck, your chance at a promotion to Major-General is in the balance. Love, The Chief of Staff of the Air Force.”
The base commander has a heart-attack, the vice-commander slaps him back to consciousness, and the base goes into ORI-Mode. Pack this, move them over there, get the airplanes airborne, load all your equipment on the C-5, don’t sleep for 36 hours, then get your duffel bags filled with 2.8 pairs of underwear over to the processing facility to get shipped out. All of this under the watchful eyes of the ORI Inspection Team.
So you get all your equipment loaded on pallets and driven over to the loading facility, you don’t sleep, barely eat, pretend bombs are dropping around you, and put on your chemical warfare suit and suck rubber for hours at a time while the bomb-disposal and Weapons of Mass Destruction teams go through their shenanigans “decontaminating” the base. Then, when everything is over, it’s time to pretend to deploy.
You take your bags and your helmet and your exhausted and malnourished and stinky butt over to the big hanger where they pretend to load you on a C-5 bound for Location X. A truly mind-numbingly frustrating situation.
Those people processing you, the ones inspecting your dogtags and your shot records and your 2.8 pairs of underwear, they are being inspected too. And one of the things being tested is their ability to respond to the unexpected.
So I was standing with my bags and my helmet, loudly denouncing the state of affairs in the processing facility when I was pulled aside by a full-bird Colonel. Uh oh, Daniel is going to prison, right?
Wrong.
“Sergeant Howell, would you be interested in participating in a role-playing game to assist the inspectors?”
Duh. Like I’m going to say no.
“Yes sir, what do you need me to do?”
“When you are processed, I want you to refuse to deploy on the basis that you are a conscientious objector.”
And as I thought about it, as the Colonel later described, a sh!t-eating grin grew on my face.
“Yes sir, I think I can do that.”
Back to the chairs and more waiting. But eventually my group of people was called forward to be put on our plane. And as I reached the E-2 who was assigned the critical job of making sure my military ID wasn’t a fake, I stopped.
“No, you can’t see it.”
“What?”
“You can’t see my ID, I’m not going.”
“Sergeant Howell, I need to see your ID so you can complete processing.”
“No way. I’m not going. I can’t go to Location X now, my wife will have a fit.”
Stunned silence.
“I signed up because the recruiter promised me I could be a pilot. Well, my eyesight shot that to h#ll and now here I am in northern Japan about to be sent of to Location X. Where is Location X? I demand to know! It’s Korea, isn’t it! You’re sending me to die in Korea? My wife will absolutely blow a gasket! Have you seen my wife? I’m not going! You hear me? No way, no how, no no no. I’m one of those subconscious contractors! I won’t kill anybody, got it?!”
The processing facility was so quiet you could hear the underwear in my bag rustle. The E-2 was sweating, the rest of the people in the line were stunned. Suddenly, a door opened and the senior enlisted sergeant in charge of the processing facility emerged. He knew what was going on; he’d been through a few ORIs before.
“Sergeant Howell, are you declaring that you’re a conscientious objector?”
“BINGO, Chief!” And I slammed the counter with my helmet a few times for emphasis. “No way you’re shipping this guy to Korea to eat cabbage out of the ground!”
“Airman, send Sergeant Howell to that room over there.”
“Chief! I want to see my lawyer, right pronto! When you call the MPs, make sure my lawyer is right on their heels!”
“Yes, Sergeant Howell, I contact the the legal division for you.”
“And a Chaplain! I got lots of moral and ethical issues here. I need to spill my guts before you send me to Korea or prison!”
“Yes, Sergeant Howell, I’ll contact the base chaplain’s office too.”
“I’m half Jewish, make sure that gets noted and I get the right representation.”
“It says on your military ID that you’re Presbyterian.”
“I can’t be too careful, now can I? I might be knee-deep in Sojo and doggie-appetizers by nightfall. Priest and a Rabbi; I know my rights! I’m an unconscious objectifier!”
“To the room, Sergeant Howell.”
And into the room I flounced. Ten minutes later, the Colonel blew open the door, slammed it behind him, and began laughing his head off.
“Sergeant Howell,” the Colonel bellowed, “How in the h#ll did you think of all that?”
“I’m exhausted, sir. If I had had more time, I would’ve asked for a meal and a shower as well as something besides CNN on the TV. It’s hard to control my words when I’m sober. Keep me from sleeping for 36 hours and all my internal filters shut down.”
“Just so you know, I had to leave the facility I was laughing so hard, but I interviewed the processing personnel and wrote everything down. My god that was perfect. I’m changing our procedures to makes sure all these agencies are ready to respond to something like this. Don’t know if you’ve noticed, Sergeant Howell, but neither your lawyer nor spiritual councilors are here yet. They’re on the clock.”
Sure enough, the calls had gone out and the commander of the legal squadron was in a tizzy trying to figure out how to get a military lawyer to the processing facility to handle the case of a conscientious objector in the deployment processing line. But that was nothing compared to the base chaplain’s office trying to get their on-call chaplain out onto the flightline when he had no credentials to be in a classified area.
The lawyer eventually arrived with aplomb and dignity and began an interview under the Colonel’s gaze. After five minutes, the Colonel ended the scenario and dismissed the lawyer. When that guy opened the door, the chaplain was opening it from the other side. His helmet was on sideways, his flak-jacket was only halfway over his shoulders, and he was immediately jumped by the Colonel.
“You just went through a contaminated zone without a chemical suit? You’re dead, you know that? Head on over to the infirmary. Chief! Get me another chaplain!” The chaplain looked like he was going to really keel over, he was so upset.
“Sergeant Howell, you’re released. Thank you for your assistance.”
“Any time sir.” And I saluted the Colonel, he returned it. I performed as nice a facing movement as possible, walked through the door, past the Chief, the lawyer, the dead chaplain, and into the hanger where we all sat for five hours waiting for the “plane” to land at Location X.
Ask me if I miss the military. I dare you.
/daniel-mode off
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64 Responses to “Story Time - Non WoW, But We Promised”
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ROTFLMAO (my sides hurt)
I have several friends deployed and in the service. I have heard all about this several times I already knew what you were speaking of. But dear gods that was great. I know several have seen the objector rotuine but none that I know of have ever been chosen for it. That was awsome.
If Mrs. BRK ever leaves you, and Mr. Wilbur’s Mommy dies, can I marry you? I’ll need a good laugh or 9000 a day.
OK, I don’t actually want to marry you, but damn, the house next door is for sale and I have a buttload of Guinness. Bring Mrs. BRK and we’ll have a nightly beer and a giggle.
OMG, I never actually bring myself to respond to blogs, because well…>.> never mind. But I had to on this. I love you. Truly. That was just…*forwards to boss* My boss who mocks my WoW soul loss (it was thefted almost 3 years ago…)…I’ll bet he asks me to check your blog every day now. SCORE!
< .< and, I want those shifting pants too, but...why do they have to be so FUGLY! >.>
Dulcea and Kamau
Aha ha ha
Having been in the military, I seriously got a kick out of that. Wonderful story.
Do you know how difficult it is to read this at work (Air Force Base XYZ) and not laugh so hard you start crying? I hope your ok with me sending this out to all my Ammo buddies. I’ve been through those lines myself a handful of times and prayed everytime that something interesting would happen.
5 Gold stars awarded to BRK for the best ORI story of the year! (I’m not sure what the exchange rate is for Gold stars to BRK cool points, something like a dollars to yen kind of thing)
Sweet baby JEBUS, that was funny! I’ve not actually laughed out loud that much since reading the tale of the Evil Blimp way back when.
I’ma gonna have to show this to me pappy, I think, he did his own bit of fun and games with the military, think he’d be delighted.
Nice one BRK.
I went through an ORI at Holloman and can totally relate with the lines and smell of rubber and charcoal.
And to the person who is at Holloman right now…sorry. Alamogordo is a crap hole and I never plan on setting foot in that area again. I got to experience my rush into my twenties there and still have a hard time forgiving the Air Force for keeping me there for 3 years.
I had a few laughs, so I’m daring: “Daniel, do you miss the military?”
From someone else who served, BRAVO!
funniest story I have heard in a while. I had a few good ones as well in the Navy, and this brought back some memories for sure.
Too freaking funny.
I wish I had gotten to play during the ORI at my base like that, but my squadron was deployed in garrison and we wernt allowed to play…
Mrs. BRK says…
Oh. My. GOD! What you didn’t remember was where your wife was when all of this was going down. Volunteering at JAG. News of your escapade spread like wildfire. I couldn’t get anything done with everyone laughing their a$$es off, so I went to my other volunteer station - the Red Cross. General Wright was there.
“Did you hear what your husband did?”
Um, yeah - yeah I did. I had to leave there, too.
I know that you don’t miss the military, but I’ll still follow you anywhere, baby. I’ve got it pretty bad for you after all of these years. xox
OMG that’s great!! I spent most of a 20-year career in SAC (and its successor, USSTRATCOM), with another 3 years in USAFE. I definitely know about ORIs!
I’m just wondering if I’d have wanted you under my command…
(Although a Chief Master Sergeant once told me I was a good boss to work for.)
That was brilliant. Especially the Chaplain part that had to seriously throw everyone for a loop.
Major props though to the Colonel for thinking up the idea and allowing someone to play it out.
Not to mention picking BRK to do it.
And you really should have asked for a shower and a meal.
BRK I was laughing so hard I could barely breath! Too dam funny….. And then I started to have my own flashbacks too.
Like you I too was in the military. Did 8 years in the navy doing engineering, left as a E-6. Hell I was stationed in Japan too at Yokosuka (Yoko). In the navy we had similiar ones to those. From 3M, Operational readiness, Combat Readiness, Engineering Readiness, Damage Controol readiness inspections. Yeah I had my own flashbacks just reading about yours. Those were some he’ll of a days going through every one of those for hours on end without sleep.
But man yours were too funny! I was dying laughing.
That is an awesome story.
*forwards it a few times*
A1C Harris, Network Administration
Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ
You’re my Hero.
Do you miss the military?
XD
God that was funny, funniest thing I have seen all week, reminds of my time in the Army.
There would be periods of absolute boredom, followed by periods of insane activity. It was moments like the one you described that kept you going
Good story, my favorite line:
“I’m one of those subconscious contractors!”
I’d have to say, as someone who works in the interest of and with the Air Force frequently, they should be used to dealing with those by now.
But I’m sure that’s another story.
Ah yes, I remember ORIs. Ex-hubby used to have those at Elmendorf at least twice a year. He’d come home exhausted each night after (at least) 12-hour shifts in full chem gear. Although, he got out of the worst of it because somehow he managed to end up on one of the decontamination teams. So in reality, he was just chilling in a hummer for 12 hours, driving around base marking chem stands, etc.
Still, great story, lol. Reminds me why I decided not to go Active Duty after all.
I just laughed so hard my eyes are watering. Thanks, BRK, that was fabulous
what this has to do with wow i thought your blog was suppose to be about wow?? i know its your blog so you can pretty much write what ever you want but seriesly?? get a grip and gifs more hunter or wowo stuff and leave the war stuff to the politicians.. don take this in a negative light please
anon needs to spend a 48 hour duty on guard on a flight-line. in the snow.
and anon, if you can’t appreciate the humor in what was posted by BRK, you are either:
1) A kid who needs to go out and play in the sun a little more often
or
2) A grown up who needs to get out of mama’s basement and do just that, grow up.
And seriously, do you not see the irony in asking him to leave out war in a world of WARcraft blog?.. lol
this isn’t just a WoW blog, it’s a blog to make you laugh…and i believe that’s what happened today
do you miss the military, BTW?
karl your funny person if you think that a war and wow are related,war is were people will die, talking about a real war and wow is a “fantasy morph game” you need to stop smoking meth and get your head out off the clouds and your concept off what you think i am is pretty funny gave me more off a giggle then brk story so kudos to you but please dont quit your day job to be a stand up comedian cos then there really would be a war
haha, pretty good. I went through something like this while I was stationed in the Army, it was called Iraq.
Too bed the redeployment doesn’t go as fast as the deployment.
ROFL and so is my husband (Army) thats was a great story…so…do you miss the military? *PW: shielding and running away*
That was gold. Pure, solid, 24K, 100% positively-sure-to-get-your-mining-skill-up gold. I’ve been laughing like a bona fide idiot for the past 10 minutes. Good God I love this blog. You make the internet a better place.
Amizande and Semayyel (my newly tamed Bangalash), on Blackwater Raiders
anon, since you want to make this personal….
I can’t see HOW on earth you could see a story that relates the struggles of ONE person in the military which has NOTHING to do with the politics of what the government is doing, regardless of a right or left view, as being something about politics and war.
I would suspect you would be upset if was a story about life in a butcher shop, or anything else that took you away from your precious wow.
I don’t know if you have a left-wing beef with the military, or perhaps you lost someone in the ongoing conflict, but obviously anything that mentions the military is a sore subject for you.
But if you read the responses that others posted here, there is obvious appreciation for the story, as a personal life experience story. no politics involved.
I hope you’re not actually threatening me.. that would really show where your head is.
And for what it’s worth, I work with the military, so I know all too well what war is really about.
and BRK, let’s hear ALL the stories… perhaps one every two weeks?..
Aggreeing with Karl on both points. first of all once again great story, please come back with more.
and to anon, regardless of whatever your personal beef is, this is BRK’s blog last time I checked. He can post what he wants when he wants, noone is forcing you to read it. (just double checked and it clearly states non-wow at the beginning)
More storiez like this plzkthx! I heartily LoL’d.
Heartily I say.
~Grazeland and NinjaNed
Oh BRK that was hilarious. Luckily for me I have spent the last five years at a training base and the ORI’s are no where near that bad. infact even the simulated deployment is simulated here at my Base. @ erastus IYAAYAS this will make the AMMO Circuits.
BRK…… thanks to you I now have massive headache……
I started laughing so hard I woke up my wife from across the house…
she inturn kicked the door in on the comp room, clocking me square in the head….
worth it though….. i am forwarding this story to my friends in the armed services. /salute
Thank you BRK!
I REALLY needed that. I was laughing out loud at work! I’ve had a horrible night, working in an ER watching a 22 year old girl die from a car wreck. This really cheered me up and helped make my night A LOT better! Thank you!
Thank you for all the humor and good information you provide to us hunters
Sabiba and Sabertooth
Cenarion Circle
P.S. Do you miss the Military?
ROFL I hope you don’t mind me forwarding this to my Grandfather. He retired a full bird from the Air Force, he was at Pearl Harbor too. He hasn’t been doing well lately and this should cheer him up.
P.S It’s ’shenanigans.’ My Irish spell check caught it. =P
Priceless
BWWWWAAAAHHHHHAAA!
I don’t even need to add my 2 cents!
The ORI quite frankly sucked. They always do. For the military you would think we would have our sh.. together…but alas it resembled something like the first day of kindergarten….ugly…very ugly.
Too many chiefs..and no enough indians…..
Aaron - Gilther - Sen’jin
*standing ovation for BRK*
The Award for Best Preformance with No Sleep goes to that dwarf over there. I mean, BRK.
I was trying my hardest not to laugh to hard. You can’t have fun at Offutt AFB, not even for a civilian.
I read this yesterday.. laughed to no end. Woke up today thought about it and still laughing my ass off.
that was like reading Catch 22 or The Good Soldier Shveik! Awesome writing, BRK
OMG that was great. I love to hear the story of yall that live on teh Flight line. We don’t get action like that in a server room.
I will have to keep your story in mind when the ORI hits us here at Luke.
Meh…the flightline is great….except in winter..believe it or not it gets cold here in NM….luckily most of the heaters in the quads (hanger jets are in) work ok..Holloman is cool..but there are other places i’d rather be!
Aaron
Gilther - Sen’jin
Very, very funny.
@ Anonymous re: Non-WoW post.
What chaps my hide the most about your post is the complete lack of gratitude for all the work BRK puts into this blog. He clearly spents a significant amount of time working on it. Posting regularly to a blog while holding down a career, being a husband and dad is significant. If you don’t like a post that is more personal in nature then just don’t comment. If you disagree with facts stated, bring your facts to the table. Last time I checked no one has pay BRK to read his blog so I am grateful in the extreme that he just does it. He has great leeway to post whatever he wants, WoW related or not. I am grateful that his insights and advice are available in the first place.
Hey whats with the Holoman hating. I lived in Alamodoodoo for 3 years, hell i graduated from the highschool there. Yeah it was a hole. Not like Misawa, heard abot tha place when i was there with pops. I just hope you never got sent to Minot, North Dakota. I hear thats where good livers go to die.
I have been able to witness 2 ORI while my dad was in the Airforce, Once at Holloman and once with a “Numbered” Airforce group in Japan. Both were a clusterF###.
The fun ones are usually thems that are set in forward areas like Koonsan. Had a brother in law sationed there many years ago when the Navy Seals decided to test its readiness with a suprise attack. Poor base got stormed from the sewers and completly taken in less then an hour. Very embarrassing for the Base CO.
Excelent story. I Know a few guys tha got picked for that or similar roles. All were allowed a “Gloves and hands off” free reign to make it as miserable and believable as possible. Best day in thier military carrers they say. Cept for that mustering out day…that was cool too.
This ex-E5 approves of BRK’s funniest post.
BRK, your blog is great, and I enjoy reading just about everyday. Thanks for the post, but also, thanks for your service. And thanks to all the other brothers/sisters in arms around the world. One team, one fight.
Regards,
ChiefB
“Chief! Get me another chaplain!”
If I had a nickel for every time I heard that…
As I sit here in my boring cube and occasionally remenisce about my glory daze in Iceland, Albuquerque, and Kadena, I hear a story like this and remember why I got out. My sides still hurt from reading this.
I remember my last ORI in Kadena. Working on HH-60’s in full MOP 4 in the middle of summer and thinking Jebus I can’t believe I’m doing this as I empty the sweat out of my mask for what must have been the 50th time that day.
Great story BRK! I was a Misawa AB 99-03, was my first duty station, now doing ORI’s in Kadena. Never got tasked for any of the RP scenarios, but your story is similar to a lot of the guys i work with who have gotten to be part of them.
Oh. My. God.
I’m still killing myself laughing over this ten minutes later. Absolutely effin’ brilliant. Subconscious contractor, indeed.
omfg, rofl
that was one of the funniest things I have read in a long time BRK, thanks for the laugh!
yeah this was kinda funny…. so sad to hear that poor air rats have to stay awake for 36 hours in a dry hanger. try doing 72 hour manuvers with less than 4 hours of sleep each day while people are trying to kill you for reals.
nice story, but i dont feel sorry for anybody in the airforce.
[...] learned quite a bit about the technical side of writing posts. One of my favorites would have to be [this one], being in the Air Force myself I can [...]
Thanks for the laugh. As a new military wife, I am getting ready to go thru my 1st ORI with my Air National Guard hubby…so I can only now imagine what he will go thru.
Thanks for serving and sharing….
Ah shucks BRK, I was in Korea in ‘96. FWIW: The Soju was quite good but its real hard to find any good Kegogi anymore.
Cyrusbidness and Sleestak
[...] if you want interesting, funny and well-written accounts, BRK among others has much more interesting stories to tell than [...]
I completely understand this story, but they are not just about a base’s ability to deploy. I’m a cop in the Air Force. Yeah… crappy job, no one looks at you like they would a real cop. No one would try to sit there and try to psych out a real cop. They all think you’re just a glorified Security Guard. Well, when these things roll around, we show them just how anal we can get. These things really, and I mean REALLY, test the cops on the base for ability to respond to any incident, from the highest ranking, highest experienced ones to the guy that just got out of basic training last week. And NO ONE is exempt from these. When he says 36 hours straight, he really means about 2 weeks of sleep deprivation due to the preparing (no base except for nuke bases get no notice ones). Good thing is, if you do well, there’s about a week of partying like no other afterwards.
That was hilarious!! >:-)
I happen to have been stationed there when they had their first ORI. Had to out-process during the middle of it. Was on my way to - you guessed it- Korea. They failed that 1 BTW.
Daniel, I have to say that brought back memories that I had long ago stored in the far recesses of my mind.
I too was stationed on Misawa AB. I was there from 1985-1987.
Needless to say, I remember the first ORI that was held there after the 2 squadrons of F-16s arrived. I was in the Command Post and didn’t get to see that much of the outside action, but it was really funny to see the IG standing in the Battle cab yelling at the senior officers to get into their chem gear because they didn’t want to mess up the creases in their fatigues
I really hated the first day since it was 12 hours inside a chem suit inside a building that had it A/C turned off due to a simulated gas attack. After my section was evaluated, they left me alone, so when the sirens went off, I just closed my door to my office and sat back and didn’t put the chem suit jacket on or the gas mask. I kept it handy should my door be knocked on for a message to be sent up chain or the such.
To end this, I wanted to say THANK YOU for reminding me of all the fun times that I had in the U.S. Air Force. Yes I said good times.
Ex E-5
Just got done with our ORI a few months ago, this would have been great to see first hand