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Another Non-WoW Military Recollection

BRK » 18 January 2008 » In Airman Howell »

ac130.jpgIf you’re only here for the WoW-talk, go ahead and stop now. Perhaps you might want to practice your 1,000,000th Visitor acceptance speech. Or maybe read about how Francis Bacon is WoW-relevant. Or even contribute to a big list of hunter-drinks. But there’s no WoW-age here right now, just a chance to flex our memory.

Everybody here who still wants to be here? OK.

/daniel mode on

I wanted to be a pilot and conquered the application tests in college, achieving a 98 on the navigator test and a 97 on the pilot test. But my eyesight disqualified me completely; I’m legally blind without contacts or glasses. I wasn’t allowed to even join the military without a waiver from some medical committee in Texas. But I always wanted to fly.

When one is in the Air Force, one of the Big Deals is getting an incentive flight. There are lots of awards and paper certificates that commanders can give out, but the one just about everyone prays for is the chance to get to fly in something that’s not a cargo plane.

On some fighter bases, like Misawa Air Base, Japan, where we were stationed for three years, those lucky few got to churn and burn in a F-16 two-seat trainer. Unfortunately, I was never selected for one of these. But I did help the Misawa base commander load air-to-air missiles after he “died” in an attack on his command bunker. Another story, another time.

Now when I was in Special Operations, Hurlburt Field, Florida, I did get an incentive flight on an AC-130 gunship. Our commander, a Lieutenant Colonel former pilot who had to give up his wings due to too many ejections, visited my workcenter one day.

“Sergeant Howell, I heard that you were using the Internet for other-than-business purposes.”

“Sir, I was researching parts for a test machine I’m building.”

“A test machine?”

“Yes sir. Our current equipment is outdated and frequently down for parts. But I think I can cobble together a similar machine from off-the-shelf components that, while it won’t have the fancy LCD computer, will perform the job just as well but be repairable with parts we have in the shop, except for the special connectors we don’t have, which I was researching.”

“Interesting. Write up something and send it to me for review, would you?”

“Yes sir, will do. And as long as you’re here, I need your Visa card.”

“My Visa card? You want me to buy the connectors? I can get you a government card and you can do it yourself.”

“No sir, I need your personal card. This gambling-for-pornography site needs a valid credit card number.”

…

And the next thing you know, I got a flight on an AC-130 gunship. Coincidence?

About a week later, I was escorted to the AC-130H Spectre Gunship an hour before takeoff by the loadmaster to get a safety and emergency procedures briefing and a general tour of the place. We grabbed parachute harnesses and then went for parachutes.

I asked, “How do I carry it?” but he heard, “Which one should I carry?”

He slapped the one in front of me with his hand and his slap landed on the D-Ring. I only found out it was the D-Ring when I tried to carry the parachute by grabbing the D-Ring.

The parachute was very pretty and white. I know this because it exploded into a knee-high pile around me. This is the function of the D-Ring, that much I knew.

The stunned loadmaster said, “I’ve never seen anybody do that before.”

“Well, it looks as if you guys need to add a line to your checklist that says, ‘Tell the passenger to grab the parachute by the carrying handing on the side and to not touch the D-Ring, even if they don’t know what a D-Ring looks like and the loadmaster tells the passenger to carry the parachute by grabbing the D-Ring, but the entire conversation was a complete misunderstanding.’”

Hopefully that was incorporated into the next checklist change. We do know that the Life Support sergeant that was called out to replace the parachute wasn’t impressed with my explanation and I totally owed him a beer.

The motors were started and we taxied to the end of the runway, where everybody jumped overboard and took a communal leak in the grass. We partook in the ritual - one doesn’t want to buck tradition - but are quite certain we are now part of some bizarre “Airfield Weirdness as Recorded by Air Traffic Controllers” movie.

So we finally took off, circled the base for twenty minutes to align all the sensors, and then headed for Crestview to do a Dry Fire exercise. This is a pre-printed scenario, simulating talking to ground controllers to pick out targets in a hostile urban environment.

I was doing just fine until the first emergency call on the comm box, “MISSILE INBOUND, BREAK LEFT!” At which point the aircraft went full-power, banked to the left at 45 degrees, and pulled almost straight up.

SouthWest 737’s don’t do this sort of thing and I was not prepared.

Well, I was prepared in the fact that I purposefully hadn’t had lunch, but my stomach didn’t care, as it was violently objecting to every pitch, yaw, and roll the pilot performed. I was very airsick for the next hour during the dry fire exercise. I tried looking out the windows to orient myself, but every time the lights of the city were suddenly directly beneath me because we were flying on a wingtip, I got the dry heaves again. Why the crew started talking about the great mushroom soup and raw oysters that were waiting for them at home, I don’t know, but that started a story from the chief loadmaster.

“One time we were ferrying a group of Army Rangers and Korean army paratroopers to a drop zone. The Koreans didn’t react well with the maneuvers we were doing and vomited their kim-chi lunches all over the flight deck. This, of course, stunk the entire aircraft to h3ll and back and the Rangers were looking extremely green. The Ranger commander looked at his guys and said, ‘If any Ranger blows chunks, he’s not leaving a single piece on this aircraft, and that includes the kim-chi!’

“So one of the Rangers starts thinking about possibly having to slurp up his and the Koreans’ smelly goo, and can’t take it and throws up. But was able to keep his mouth closed and swallow it all again. Worst bunch of pansies ever.”

Aircrew personnel are sadists. I think the Air Force tests for it.

Well the dry fire ended and we flew to the gunnery range to practice firing the big guns. As we flew over the range we saw deer and wild pigs. The Electronic Warfare Officer kept saying to one of the camera gunners, “Kill ‘em Frank.” To which the gun targeter would say that the environmentalists, not to mention his wife, would be very upset if he expended 105mm artillery rounds on a pig. The EWO replied,

“You know that nobody will know, as they’ll be nothing left of that dead pig to be found. Kill ‘em Frank.”

The EWO asked the gunner to “Kill ‘em Frank” when he targeted the trucks on the range, Burger King, the Sports Bar, the Wing HQ building, his own home, and the Navarre Bridge.

The live fire was a lot easier to stomach for two reasons. One, we did no more emergency procedures and just flew in a steady circle at a 30 degree bank for an hour. Two, I was allowed to lie down, put a parachute under my head, and suck oxygen for a while. I did get to watch the explosions on the infrared and TV cameras, participate with the gunners to load the howitzer, and visit the cockpit. I told the pilot I would have preferred to do the live fire first as I would have been able to stand up for the whole thing. He laughed and went into an unplanned decent that had me screaming.

We returned to base without further incident. When we landed I pretended to be the Pope and kissed the tarmac after I stepped off. And I didn’t have to buy the entire crew a beer as I never let any of my DNA touch the aircraft; my plastic baggie was safely tied and going to the trash.

The moral of the story was that I learned that if my eyesight hadn’t kept me out of the pilot’s seat, I’m pretty sure my chronic airsickness would’ve done the trick too.

/daniel mode off

We would’ve looked good in a flight suit, phooey.

Airman Howell | January 18, 2008

Comments

21 Responses to “Another Non-WoW Military Recollection”

  1. Bellwether on January 18th, 2008 10:35 am

    Aw, airsickness is never fun.

    I can understand, a little. My brother really wanted in the Marines. Passed every physical fitness test and everything you need to qualify with flying colors. The only problem was he had to take thyroid medication. They wouldn’t accept him, and he was devastated.

    Now he’s in school for a criminal justice degree so he can become a police officer.

    Back to the post - that was a nice break from morning classes ^^ Sorry those in the air with you were so sadistic! At least looking back now it’s funny. I hope. :P (And thanks for the link! Francis Bacon is always WoW relevant! Maybe! Exclamation point!)

  2. dorgol on January 18th, 2008 10:40 am

    Now I’m jealous…

    I, also, wanted to be a pilot, but was turned down from the Airforce for the same reason (eyesite). So I started looking at other branches and even took some tests with the Marines. They wanted me to join up, but I was a little hesitant.

    My girlfriend (wife now) asked that I not join because blah blah blah…

    Anyway, the next year that same girlfriend (again, I married this woman) not only tested with the Army, but was accepted and went through the entire physical exam before they turned her down due to HER eyesite (which even worse than mine… she’s worn glasses since she was 6mo old…).

  3. Gilther on January 18th, 2008 10:41 am

    Sounds fun!!

    You should try a combat descent in a C-17……

  4. Mudge on January 18th, 2008 10:47 am

    Sounds like fun. I’ve always liked the C-130. The most fun I’ve had in one was a landing on the ice (LC-130; ski equipped of course) near the South Pole, followed by several attempts to take off. The load master finally sent 4 of us all the way back and up on the ramp to get weight in the tail. That did the trick.

  5. Exanimo on January 18th, 2008 10:51 am

    Seriously… this should be a weekly column, most entertaining!
    If only i had a better memory and remember my misadvertures and communications. (altho boyscouts might not be as intreging and adventurous as the army :P )

  6. Wildwynd on January 18th, 2008 10:54 am

    Great post, Never knew you were a veteran, just knew I liked the blog. As a navy veteran I can relate totally to the motion sickness as it hit me as soon as we hit the open sea and I wondered what I had gotten myself into. somehow I got over it and survived. Made friends that i never see anymore but who probably know me better than those whom I do see, something about living in a cramped area with a group of men that teaches you how to get along, no women on ships in my time. anyway great post and break from WoW.

  7. Kathlyn on January 18th, 2008 10:55 am

    I love BRK Air Force stories! Seriously, I do. I live near Barksdale AFB, so the humor is greatly appreciated. I think I look forward more to this than to the WoW-related stuff. :) (And goodness knows you’ve got to have a sense of humor when the military is flying nukes right over your head and not telling you.)

    I’m hoping that the book is “BRK’s Big Book of Air Force Silliness,” because I’d preorder that on Amazon the second you confirmed it.

  8. Stoop on January 18th, 2008 11:07 am

    I’m trying to convince my son to join the AF instead of the Army (like me) or the marines (like my father). I think your story is going to help :)

  9. For the Pie on January 18th, 2008 11:12 am

    If you can’t fly a fighter, fly a gun ship.

    Spectre is the coolest non-fighter plane out there. Except of course the A-10 which is the baddest of the bad. The Chuck Norris of planes if you will. It’s a BM Hunter and the Gun is the pet. Only it’s A BIG RED PET all the time.

  10. Thomas Jones on January 18th, 2008 11:17 am

    So…you got a ride on a Spectre. Did you ever get a Talon II TF Flight in Las Vegas during Red Flag?
    I did, and like you, my eyesight requires glasses. Imaging sitting on the rear deck, 50-100ft off the ground, no glasses and seeing not where you’re going, but only where you’ve been, especially when that has you going DOWN the side of a mountain. All I saw was the sky, and even though the loadmaster said that I would be cleaning up whatever stomach contents were left in the plane, I didn’t believe him. Needless to say, I found out that he was correct, and aircraft #0024 and I became good friends over the next 3 days.
    Man, I miss my old job!

    Remember those days boss…

    -SSgt Jones
    16 CRS - Special Comm
    Hurlburt Field 1997-2001

  11. Brotik on January 18th, 2008 12:02 pm

    My fun in the sun came when I got my R&R in Iraq and was flown north in the Army’s “Chinook”. Lets just say my sleep got woken abruptly when the pilots decided to have fun with us and start taking evasive measures for practice. I actually got to experience free fall for awhile there.

  12. Weaponxlogan on January 18th, 2008 12:24 pm

    LOVE your site. I was also stationed in Misawa AFB. USN here. Misawa PAT Wing 1 1990 to 1992. Radioman

  13. Nutcracker on January 18th, 2008 12:37 pm

    My 1st duty station was Hurlburt field FL. As an avionics guy I worked on both the Spectors and the Talons for a while in the early 90’s. (8/16 AMS). Always good to hear your stories BRK and that so many other of us share a military back ground. Oh how I miss those white powder beachs of Fort Walton and of course an Irish Wake of 2 from McQuires Irish Pub. No place like it.

  14. daniel on January 18th, 2008 1:02 pm

    great story :) i’ve never been much of a military geek but i just started working as a consultant for a big company that manufactures one of the most advanced fighter jets today, doing system administraton in their flight sim department and boy do they have lots of cool gadgets there :D

  15. Thomas Jones on January 18th, 2008 1:54 pm

    Thanks Nutcracker…had to remind me of the beautiful gulf, and how everything was green when you leave McGuire’s…thanks!

  16. Fathgar on January 18th, 2008 3:14 pm

    I can attest to the damn flight crews as being sadists. I was stationed out at Fort Huachuca, AZ and we would have regular crews fly down from Davis Mothan AFB and land at Libby Army Airfield. Well what is so special is my unit had a regular detail to help the flight crews and to be passengers on the C-130s they flew. Now I had recently gotten to the unit and I was picked by my NCO to go on one of these. I was told nothing else other than I was going to get on the C-130 and fly aorund AZ for a little while.

    What he should have said is, that the pilots were going to go ID4 on my a#$ and fly “map of the earth” up and over mountains and valleys. I was a bit thrown off when I got to the tarmac and I saw the flight crew stuffing little baggies in every pocket of their flight suits and giggling as they saw us board the plane.

    Now I don’t normally get motion sickness, nor do I get queasy on stuff like that, but I was told later that I did indeed turn green and started to sway in my seat. Others weren’t as fortunate as me and they had to stay behind and clean the plane. But needless to say every time I caught wind of that detail coming up I could be counted on being at sickcall that day.

  17. Zball on January 18th, 2008 3:58 pm

    You were in 1st SOW? Small world. My father would tell me stories like that. He happened to crew one of those AC-130s down there.

  18. Mrs BRK on January 19th, 2008 1:18 am

    I love this story, especially about the Ranger’s DNA not hitting the flight deck.

    Your next story should be the one about the horrendous C-130 flight (or was it a C-5??) to Saudi Arabia.

    As the base and wing’s Joan Orr Spouse of the Year (and General Wright’s bartender), I should have gotten the friggin’ incentive flight!!

  19. Fun with Plebes « Demonic Rants on January 21st, 2008 1:04 pm

    [...] me from catching up on my daily blog reading. And BRK laid down some doozies. One in particular was this story about his Air Force days that got me thinking about some good ol’ Navy fun I had back in the [...]

  20. Game Dame on January 21st, 2008 1:27 pm

    Completely agree with comment from Kathlyn above. We NEED to have this book written. Or there needs to be a new category of “Not Safe For Work”… something like TFFW (too funny for work). Snorting and sniggering in my cube for 15 minutes. Keep this stuff coming!

  21. widowmakrtwo on January 22nd, 2008 11:06 am

    Love your vet stories BRK. I was at Kadena AFB, Okinawa from 97 - 2000. I was a HH-60 helo crew chief and can totally sympathize with your motion sickness. You haven’t lived until you’ve auto-rotated from 10000 feet!

    Widowmakrtwo & Bill
    Mannoroth Horde fo life!!