Do Not Read Before or After Eating
Is it too soon for another Airman Howell story? Probably. But so what; it’s our blog.
Seriously. Do not read this if you’re anywhere close to eating-time, either before or after. We get queezie just remembering it.
/daniel mode on
Back at Beale AFB again, going to the dental clinic for the first time. Gotta keep the teeth in good shape, yes?
The little technician said, “Ooo, you have a few impacted molars. I have to get the doctor.”
Off she trotted, returning with the doctor.
“Yup, Airman Howell, you need surgery to get those removed. I’m not doing those, though. Those look mean. Gonna send you to Travis AFB and have a specialist work on you.” And he kicked me out of the clinic.
A few days later, I drove to Travis for our operation. I sat in the chair and a Lieutenant Colonel strolled in.
“Hello Airman Howell, I’m Dr. X, chief of dental surgery. I saw your case and grabbed it for myself. Let’s have some fun.”
They rolled up my sleeve for an IV and I waited for the shots in my jaw to prevent the pain of the extractions.
And woke up 12 hours later. Holy crap, they totally knocked me out. Wasn’t expecting that. Where am I?
Turns out I was in a recovery room with three other guys. My clothes were still on, but there was sling around my head holding ice against my jaw. My face was the size of a Buick. Apparently Doctor X had inserted a pumpkin into my skull.
Pumpkin. Food. My god I was hungry. Before the surgery, I had been told not to eat for 12 hours prior. It had basically been a day since I’d eaten and the hunger pangs were tremendous and non-stop.
Food. Must have food. So I hit the little red button on the box next to the bed and the stewardess came in.
“Cab I’b hab subbtin ta eah?” I muttered through the pumpkin and ice bag.
“No, Airman Howell. You just had your molars removed; you can’t have any food yet.” And off she skipped.
D@mn. Dejected and hungry, I just slumped in the bed, totally stunned. No food? This was not acceptable, but what to do…
I did have my checkbook. I had a bed-side phone. Somebody must deliver to the hospital, no?
Hmm… dial 9 for an outside line… 800-555-1212 for toll-free information.
“Hello? Yes, I’d like the number for Dominos Pizza please. Yes, you certainly many connect me, thank you.”
“Hello Dominos Pizza, what’s the number to a Dominos franchise near Travis AFB? Why thank you. Yes, you may connect me, thank you.”
“Hello Dominos? Yes, I’d like to place a delivery order to Travis AFB. One large cheese pizza. Pepperoni. Yep, that’s it. I’ll be using a check today. OK, Travis AFB, the hospital… looking out the window, I think I’m on the 3rd floor. My phone says my room is 312. Forty five minutes is great, wonderful. Thank you!”
BUWAHAHAH!! Food incoming!
Now as I said, there were three other patients in the room. Two of them were out cold, but the person directly across from me was not only awake, but had a gaggle of doctors surrounding his bed. Apparently his jaw had been reconstructed with bone from his leg and was a mini-celebrity in the hospital. And this phalanx of doctors and nurses was still interviewing the guy when a very loud knock disturbed the peace of the room.
“Pizza for Howell?!”
And I pulled back my curtain a little, sat up a bit, poked my still ice-bagged noggin out and said, “MEPPH!”
Delivery guy didn’t break a stride, just delivered the pie, took my check, high-fived me, and took off for parts unknown.
Nothing has ever smelled as good as that pizza. Cruel, evil, short stewardess be d@mned, I was gonna eat!
As I performed some very intricate prayers of thanks to the Dominos God, the gaggle of doctors across from me was staring. Then they started talking amongst themselves, and finally a nurse took of like a shot out the room.
Irrelevant! Who cares! Gonna eat! And I opened the box and there it was. Beautiful. DaVinci never did better work. Gimme gimme gimme! I reached for it… and grabbed nothing but air.
It was gone!
The stewardess stood there, having swiped my pizza. Seriously, she grabbed it, held it over her head, and taunted me!
“Thanks for the dinner, we’re gonna enjoy it,” she announced, and flounced out of my life, my treasure in tow.
I was bewildered. I had no food, then I got food, then I had no food again. How did this happen? Yes, I’d been sedated, but I didn’t just imagine the pizza, it was here just a minute ago…
And a doctor came in. He had a bowl of something that he placed in front of me.
“Airman Howell, you can’t have pizza. Seriously, you just had your molars removed; you’ve got great big holes in your jaw. If you’re so hungry that you got pizza delivered to the surgical recovery room, you can have this, but no more pizza. No Chinese, no anything, OK?”
Chicken soup. I had pizza, and now I have chicken soup. Well, it’s not like I can fight the guy for the pizza, I was outnumbered. And sedated. And hungry. And had a 20lb bag of ice strapped to my cranium.
Fine. Whatever.
The broth was good. The chicken itself… it was the worst chicken of any kind I’d ever had. Ever. Tough doesn’t begin to describe it. Stringy, hard, basically garbage. But at this point, who cares, it’s food. I ate it all, picking pieces of the trash-chicken out of my teeth and swallowing them all.
The doctor came back, saw my empty bowl and asked, “How was it?”
“Well,” I mumbled, “I really appreciate the food, but the chicken was god-awful. Seriously, man, just the worst thing ever. I don’t want to complain, but nobody would ever eat that chicken unless they were tranquilized out of their mind.”
He looked at me, puzzled and quiet. Then he said, “Open your mouth.”
He took out a flashlight, held open my swollen jaw, and examined thoroughly. He pulled away, satisfied with his exploration, and sat on the bed beside me.
“Airman Howell, you know you have great big holes in your jaw, right? Where your teeth used to live, and now don’t, there are holes. Well these holes like to bleed. They bleed a lot. So the surgeon put stuff in there to keep the bleeding down.
“There was no chicken in your soup, it was just broth. You just ate one of your bloody, molar-hole gauze pads.”
And he got up and walked out of the room, while the guy with the reconstructed jaw laughed so hard, he actually hurt himself.
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the last two sections made me laugh so hard :))
best. story. evar.
I didnt listen to your warning and read it right after I ate lunch. Blahh next time i’ll listen
OMG, this was perhaps the funniest thing I have ever read. BRK, i love the hunter stuff, have a hunter, play a hunter as my main, raid as a hunter, etc. you get the point, but the “Daniel” stories are hands down funnier than anything else I read (and i read a lot, see Grad student in English).
/2 WTB more Daniel stories on this blog, will tip, my mats ur nether!
Just a side note for the smokers out there, when they say don’t smoke for at least 48 hours after having one or more of your teeth removed or you will experience pain the likes of which you have never imagined and they will put the most god-awful tasting stuff in your mouth that will cause it to water uncontrollably for a few hours, they mean it. Just take it at face value, it’s not worth the consequences, get the patch for a few days if you must…
-Hoder & Yogin
Ya….I get my wisdom teeth pulled in March. Your timing of this post SUCKS! It’s ok….I forgive you….you have spared me many a huntards already
…and to this day the surgeon still tells the Airman P story to his buddies. I wonder if he has a blog?
I’ll repost this story:
I had all four removed, the put me under, I woke up later with a lot of gause and blood. Not major pain, and just some swelling and soreness for a day or two.
However I developed a dry-socket in one spot about 5-6 days later. I had a lot of pain there. Surgeon looks at it, tells me what happened. It is where the gum has not formed a proper clot to heal itself.
Me: “So what do we do about it?”
Dr: “Well I have to put an artifical one in.”
Me: “How?”
Dr: “Well I am going to wad up some gause and place it in the hole to act as a clot until the gum heals.”
Me: “ok, is this going to hurt?”
Dr: “Oh yes.”
I kid you not he said that. Dead straight faced. And when he jammed that crap down in there I still cannot, to this day, figure out how I managed to NOT bite is fingers off. I kid you not it was one of ‘the’ most painful things I have ever exprienced. You have to remember he is cramming it all the way down to the bone with nothing to kill the pain.
Great googly moogly. Apparentlies everything do “Taste like chicken”. At least enoughs to full drug-addled airman. I ever hear you says yer really hungry, I’s divin’ fer cover.
Wow, that was amazing. I actually howled in laughter at work instead of giggling quietly to myself
I was pretty drugged up when I had my wisdom teeth removed - thought they were all speaking in Spanish and German when I should have been knocked out completely; woke up too nauseous to eat for a day or so =/
Never posted before, but I also want to say that I love your blog. I’ve been a pally since release, but your insight into hunters has helped me understand how to work with their CC when I’m tanking (timing, spacing, and such), how much of their damage is tied to their pet (kk, your kitteh gets might, but ONLY if you take off growl!), to try and beat them in PvP, and convinced me to roll a little nooblet dwarven hunter myself >__>
Meant “fool”, not “full”. Silly orc, me.
And the picture of how you got to be so “odd” gets clearer and clearer.
HAH! I love it BRK. Oh man. Everyone keeps walking by wondering why I’m silently convulsing over here..*snicker* They just don’t know the goodness that is BRK.
Thanks for the partially painful laugh, BRK; I have laryngitis. Do you know what it takes to get someone who lost their voice to laugh so loud people 20 feet away hear ‘em?
That said, I feel light headed now….
/headdesk
Thx for the laffs!
Eeeeewwwww!!! :o(
ZOMG!! ROFLMAO!!
This is one of the funniest stories I have ever read … ever! BRK rocks, man!! Keep up the great information with the occasional laugh!
Now, to deal with the people staring into my office.
/end laughter
/end stares
Thanks!
I just about pissed my self.
Having been invovled in a Quadruple Wisdom Tooth Extraction, I KNEW they had given you broth sans chicken. I can not believe they didn’t warn you about the gauze…very unprofessional. Typical military.
When I went under the knife I went “Rambo”. Only a local and some adrenaline, which they failed to tell me was part of the cocktail. I was convinced I was having a heart attack, even though I was completly calm. How the hell can they understand you when you can’t feel or move your lower face?
I was told not to do any number of things: pizza, lifting heavy objects and a few others…like sneezing.
How pray tell do you stop a sneeze? Do you really want to?
I sneezed the day after surgery. I had the distinct pleasure of “watching” (ie I saw EET) a clot ,from the right lower cavern, go flying accross the room and hit the wall after a very satisfying sneeze. What did my dad say when he saw that?
“That can’t be a good.”
Yeah. Lucky they have this neet clove-oil soaked strings of gauze….very nice stuff. Numbs on contact any “softer” tissue, like lips, tongue and caverns in gums. Freshens breath too.
Yours must have been real bad, or else they used a back hoe to extract. Minor swelling is normal. Pumpkin sized head….hmm are you sure they didnt leave anything in there…like a pumpkin perhaps?
BTW I disregarded the food warning. I was eating BK while reading and damn near choked on a fry i was laughing so hard. Nauseous? Nope I seen things that would turn most cats white.
Want gross? Two werds:
Caesarean Section, Front Row Seats.
Eeeeewwww!!!
BRK you need to publish a book titled “things to do that are hilarious and may get you yelled at in the military but still hilarious” marketed to young people thinking of joining the military and those that just have. Oh and Mindkiller remember it was the military that did this surgery so they probably extracted them with a f-ing jackhammer sorry for the language BRK.
Read it while eating a chicken sandwich.. tasted like gauze pad.
L O L happy monday to you, you crazy bastard!
@Ratshag
Stop taking my Great googly moogly. It’s mine and I claim it for myself.
GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!!
Anyways, I’m surprised you didn’t notice it earlier considering the fact that I would think if the Chicken soup had chicken in it you would’ve seen it. Though I’m wondering what blood soaked gauze did to your insides then.
/shudder/cringe/dryheave
I’ll be thinking about that the rest of the day. kthnxvrymuch
I’m surprised the after-effects of the anesthesia didn’t have you meeting with those gauze pads again several seconds later. You must have a cast-iron stomach.
Or do you?
~Grazeland & NinjaNed
See, now chicken doesn’t seem so bad, after all
“Want gross? Two werds:
Caesarean Section, Front Row Seats.” -Mindkiller
Very true…my daughter was the only C-Section I actually got to watch and it was the coolest, and grossest thing I ever saw in my life. My wife thought it was funny when I told her they elbowed her in the stomach to get the rest of the way out though
[...] its storytime they want… So, not content with being BETTER storytellers than I am, both BRK and Dagashai have to rub it in my face with a fast followup. Very well, I accept. Twice, [...]
I had 5 molars removed while in the military, my 4 wisdom teeth but also my second molar on the top left side as well. Since my wisdom tooth decided to impact my second molar into my sinus cavity. I too went to DENTAC but they gave me the option, I could go local or I could be knocked out by a specialist. With the prospect of losing 5 teeth in one sitting I chose to be knocked out. Now that really doesn’t make my story anymore different than BRK except for the nice little pills they gave me and his pizza/chicken soup fiasco. I went to the specialist for a consult the day before the surgery and I picked up my scripts for my pain pills and had them filled since the doc suggested I do this instead of trying to get them filled after the surgery when I would be groggy and still half asleep. Now I was told the day of that I need a person to drive me home and damn they were right, but the nurse gave my wife scripts for the pain meds again on top of the ones I already got filled from the doctor. Apparently they thought I was just a dumb private in the army and didn’t think ahead. I showed them. Double the perscription of Vicodine was nice. Even though after about 2 days I had no pain what so ever.
Hahaha! WTB more BRK military stories.
guess i have a stronger stomach than i thought, was eating some Jack in the Box tacos while i read it. i had a similar experience getting my wisdom teeth removed, cept i was concerned with getting a smoke rather than eating. i think i was drinking out of a straw as well… needless to say dont do that lol
LOL!
Heh, when I woke up after having my wisdom teeth (all four) removed, my mouth and nose were full of coagulated blood and the pain was unbearable, ordering a pizza sure was the last thing on my mind. xD
Great story man ^
Funny! I dont think I ever laughed as hard on your blog. Awesome.
Hey, that sounds familiar. Military and Wisdom teeth.
I was in the Army, and sure enough, had to have all four removed. Went to the friendly neighborhood clinic where they happily pulled all four for more, in and out, no problem, just local block and a guy with a bone lift.
Or at least, I was doing fine until I got all gauzed and padded up, and got the script for my Vicos from the nurse. The script, mind you, as the pills actually came from the hospital pharmacy across post.
Guess I should have brought a driver, eh?
This is the internet.
Someone, somewhere was actually aroused by your story, and has saved it for repeated reading.
(Not me, I swear.)
Now your chain trapping video on the other hand…
Which would have worked a whole lot better if the doc had actually filled out the prescription correctly, instead of just handing me a piece of paper with words on it. Hey, what did I know, I was walking around with a bloody smile and four teeth in a bag.
Turns out the pharmacutical type folks don’t just give Vicoden out to anyone with a script, you gotta have the right notes in the computer as well… wish I had known that before driving myself across post. And waiting in line.
So back I go again to the clinic to collar the doc and find out why I don’t have drugs aside from a rapidly wearing-off local block.
Eventually, I did get my drugs and get home and pass out without further incident… barring a slightly non-legal state-of-mind while driving that last leg, but that story totally reminded me about ‘How Things Work’ in the military and how we just grin and put up with it. Thanks for the memories!
Reminded me of my own wisdom teeth…
Now, in this neck of the woods, we have compulsary military service, during which, we get fully subsidised health and dental care. My four wisdom teeth have been in-grown since forever and needed to be removed, but frankly the thought scared the hell out of me, so I always put it off. When one of them had some decay, my dentist proclaimed that they need to come out. Because I was about to enlist, I thought why not get it done for free?
When I mentioned this to my cousin, he almost fell out of his chair laughing. He’s older than me and had gone through his military service and had the same idea as me. He had gone to the military dentist to get his wisdom tooth extracted. They gave him some local, worked on it for awhile, then went “Hmmmm”…
It seems that when the dentist was pulling out the tooth, he had managed to crush the teeth. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the equiment to fix that. So, the only thing he could do, was to sew it back up, and asked my cousin to go make an appointment to see a specialist at the local government hospital (still paid for by the military).
Only problem? The next available slot to see the specialist was 2 months later. They had expected my cousin to go around with a smashed tooth in his gums for 2 months…
After hearing that, I paid my dentist who took 2 hours, got my 4 wisdom teeth out and sent me on my way…
Guess those doctors had a good laugh over it whilee ating your pizza… hehe, good story!
Damn i’m craving for pizza now… >.>
Nice article.thx.^_^
Man they put you under? In the Navy they gave me shots of novacane and pulled all four. Nothing like having the dentist put his knee on your chest so he can get the leverage to extract those teeth. I thought he was gonna rip my head off.
BRK -
I love your blog - theres nothing else to say.
This goes right up there will the Ony wipe flash and illegal danish.
That is all.
Lionis and Sticks
Hiyas! BM hunter from Hellscream here, and I’ve just discovered your oh-so-very amusing and highly informative blog. My God! The Airman Howell stories are making me…howl. I was in the military, US Army 77 - 81, so I love hearing what other folks have experienced. Anyway, keep ‘em comin’ cause they’re sure making my day. Or perhaps I just need a life.
Fellow former airman here.
My lower right molar came in impacted. They gave me several shots of Novicaine (sp) and turned the Nitrous waaaaaay up; I guess when I stopped mumbling answers to their questions it was time to turn the gas down… lol. They had to break the tooth in half and slice my gums down to get it out.
They patched me up, gave me the two halfs of my molar in a box, and sent me back to the barracks. All was well for about three days, but then I started getting this really, really, nasty taste in my mouth every time I drank something. It took another day or two before I realized the gaping hole in my lower jaw wasn’t empty.
I started messing with it and loe and behold six inches of the surgical string they used to sew up my gums came popping out of the hole where my molar used to live. I guess they needed something prevent dry socket… Sure would have been nice to get some removal instructions. lol
Really, having read more comments here now — what is it with the US Army and its tooth fetischism?!
I don’t understand, WHY do they pull your teeth out?
I’m being serious, I don’t understand it. For pilots and divers there are certain precautions/regular checkups needed, but so many comments about people having had their teeth pulled out…que?
*insert puzzled look*
Wisdom teeth generally start breaking through in young adulthood, often coming in sideways, backwards, into the sinus cavity, or otherwise threatening the pearly whites our parents raided half our college fund to straighten earlier in life.
This just happens to occur during the ages that most military recruits are either going through initial training or the first few years of military service.
Happy coincidence on timing, but it is one of those things that makes for great stories and bonding during military deployments. Especially as the actual pulling of said teeth is not particularly demanding or delicate work and is often assigned to the more junior military dentists (who may or may not have the same credentials as civilian professionals).
I’m also an Airman, and I just had my wisdom teeth removed by a LtCol as well. I’m going to be deploying soon, and apparently the #1 reason that they used to send people home from the sandbox is wisdom teeth pain. So now they just remove them.
I also experienced that immediate knockout-and-wake-up-like-5-hours-later effect.
By the way, great blog.
Wow that was just tooo funy…
I feel you pain Kitty though. Mouth injuries are the worst and Dentists and their helpers are very sick, sadistic, twisted Buzztards…
Don’t know about that Fulgor, my current doc has a nurse with these really nice sized breasts and she cleans your teeth from above you, so you sit there with a breast on each side of your head like ear muffs. Oh God heaven.