So Authentic It Hurts

BRK » 22 February 2008 » In Blog » 15 Comments

Everybody is doing interviews! How can we get in on this easy-blog-posting scam without letting our readers know we’re copping out… Ah ha!

Step 1. Don’t tell the readers you’re trying to do it. Check.
Step 2. Don’t waste time finding someone to interview; just make the whole thing up.
Step 3. Remember! Don’t tell folks you’re faking it.

So who are we going to interview? Why none other than the Biggest Cheese in the little red baggie, Paul Sams!

Who?

Paul Sams, CEO of Blizzard, foshizzle. Yes, we got-um some good connections. /wink!

BRK: Good morning Paul, it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance. Thank you for agreeing to meet with us today.

CEO: Very much likewise, BRK. I’ve heard about your financial shenanigans with WoWHead and from the bottom of my heart, I wish you much success and loads of improper revenue from their key-logging scams.

BRK: You’re all good in our book, you know that? Gonna make us get weepy, like Barbara Walters.

CEO: Well don’t get sappy, I don’t roll like that.

BRK: Totally, we feel you, dog. Well, shall we get started with the BRK Big Ten Vitally Important Questions?

CEO: Bring it hard or don’t bring it all.

Question #1: Tell the truth. You play a troll shammy and, with malice in your heart, made all the mail-armor quest rewards shaman-specific and hosed all the hunters for your own selfish and cruel desires, didn’t you?

CEO: Of course I did. Wouldn’t you? Little programmers and database administrators owe me their allegiance; why not tweak the system to my advantage. Y’all should just be glad I didn’t do the same thing to the Tier and PvP gear and only hammered your quest rewards. Ungrateful b@stards, the whole stinkin’ lot of ya.

Question #2: Boomkins have no gear in Karazhan. For guilds that use a DKP system, balance druids can save their points for months and then, once their guild hits the 25-mans, can clean up with all the stuff that is available there. If you thought it was bad when guilds split and merged to get into Kara, have you seen what happens when five boomkins with 3000 DKP apiece finagle the system to get every Tier drop for months? Guild explode like supernova! So, was this an accident or planned?

CEO: Planned. The whole idea was to eliminate Boomkins, altogether. Giant flapping molty things, who wants to have to stand beside them? My shammy is pretty tall, but once I get stuck behind one of those birdies, it’s over. I may crimp hunters for the benefit of shaman, but if I could, I’d delete the entire Balance tree, once and for all. Plus, DKP is for pansies; roll-haxors FTW.

Question #3: Class nerfs and buffs. Do you listen to your subscribers or just do what you want, when you want.

CEO: We do both. We listen to class discussions, like druids and their bear-form armor a few months ago. Then we print out all the crying, post the papers in the executive wash room, and have Pissing Contests.

But as for our own ideas on class mechanics and how the classes stack against each other, that’s all done in cycles. Warriors get a beatdown, then we switch to rogues, and on it goes. Every once in a while we’ll give a class a way-overpowered buff to enrage the other classes and give them hope for something similar, but I promise that we never plan on actually helping or fixing these class breakdowns, ever. And that’s a promise you can take to the bank!

Question #4: Patch days. Are you really doing maintenance or is it really just an excuse to use your server farms to sweep the Internet for massive quantities of pr0n that you download onto your iPhone.

CEO: Bingo, chief. You got me. You would be shocked, just shocked, at how much high-quality pr0n a 128-cluster server farm can stuff onto a 16GB iPhone. It’s not just a question of storage capacity, mind you, but indexing and searching the material, plus some world-class compression algorithms that the NSA would love to get their mitts on. And sometimes that process takes more time than others. If the servers are down for more than four hours, you can bet I just reset my iPhone and have demanded an entire refresh of unseen content for a trip I’m taking. Or a long bath.

Question #5: Is your wife a WoW-Widow?

CEO: No, she plays a female human warlock, hunts my deadbeat @ss down, and camps my corpse. She once told me, “The only reason I made 70 was to ensure I could lay a smackdown on your worthless carcass anywhere in the game!” No woman has ever been nicer to me.

Question #6: What are your feelings about your customers’ accounts being hacked, their gear sharded, their money stolen, and their accounts transferred or deleted?

CEO: It rocks. The opposite of love is not hatred, its ambivalence. As long as I have 10 million screaming and irate customers flaming me and threatening my family, I know they’re not running off to play Wii or some other piece of crap competitor. When they stop b!tching about WoW, then I know I’ve got problems

Question #7: You have clients for Windows and Mac, but nothing for Unix of any flavor. There are multiple ways of running WoW on a non-supported platform, yet Blizzard has not decided to officially support this practice. When is Blizzard going to release a Unix-client, or at least have official support for those who are able to port WoW to their platform of choice?

CEO: The existence of the Mac client angers me daily. If I could, I’d make WoW a Windows Vista product only. Bill Gates, all hail His name, has only to add one more zero to his offer for us to nuke the Mac client and Poof! That code will be DoD-wiped from our archives the second his check clears. Linux, Umbunto, whatever. Never, not on my watch.

Question #8: Wrath of the Lich King, what’s the expected delivery date? Gimme!

CEO: Delivery? It’s vaporware, silly. All of it. WotLK is nothing but an empty promise. There is no development, no programmers, nothing. Everything you’ve seen are scans from a paper notebook a neighbor of mine did in a month after eating nothing but Pop Tarts and kiwis.

We do have an expansion in the works, but it’s mostly a bunch of cr@p that our accounting department dreamed up. The Ironforge bank becomes the Ironforge Credit Union, stuff like that. If you want to queue in front of your local Game Stop for three hours to purchase a $60 expansion that allows you to charge guildies interest for their epic mount loans, than this will be your dream upgrade. Otherwise, get ready for more crying into your wine coolers.

Question #9: How much of Warcraft went into Starcraft II? What will that product feel like for veteran WoW players?

CEO: Starcraft is really just WoW with different names for the NPCs. Don’t let the slick marketing fool you. In WoW you can be a Leatherworker, in Starcraft you can be a Leathersmith. In WoW you can be a Jewelcrafter, in Starcraft you can be a Gemologist. In WoW you can ride a horse, in Starcraft you can fly a spaceship, but both are WASD controlled, both have limitations on speed, and both can go faster if you equip a Riding Crop/Booster Engine. Same thing, baby. But be sure to buy it and pay another $15 monthly fee without giving up your WoW addiction!

Question #10: What about Blizzard do people not know that would shock them the most?

CEO: The child labor abuses, the wet bar in the executive meeting room that has been examined by Guiness for inclusion in the Book of World Records under the “Most Flagrant Abuse of Stock Options” category, the Punishment Pit for employees who don’t work a solid 90 hours per week, and the Russian-Roulette Injection Friday motivational exercises are all pretty well-known.

But I’d have to say that the fact that no employee of Blizzard is allowed to reproduce is pretty novel, though. Employees with kids miss more work, use more medical benefits, and demand larger raises than those people we sterilize via a tasteless and odorless drug we pump into the air conditioning system. Honestly, I should get a business award or something for that idea. I heard HP is initiating something similar, but in a water-based form.

BRK: Well, Mr. Sams, this has been an enlightening and fascinating interview. Thank you for spending some time with BRK Worldwide Amalgamated!

CEO: My pleasure. Now then, I believe you promised me your first born?

BRK: Yeah, we were kinda hoping you’d forgotten that…

CEO: No way! We have an opening in our Test Kitchen for an appetizer. Cannibalism isn’t something only the Forsaken practice, you know. /nom nom nom

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