wedding.pngCongratulations, Doom! Yes, the roguish rogue is off the market. Captured in his prime, he’s another example of “the good ones are always taken”.

/sniffle

With almost 13 years of glorious, wedded bliss under our svelt belt, we have some words of wisdom for ya:

BRK Top Ten Rules for Surviving Marriage

10. Surrender. 99 times out of 100, the cost of winning the argument isn’t worth the prize. Just give in. Pink towels? Whatever. Floral bedspread? Take it. Save your energy for the Big Thing You Must Have.

9. Fight to the Death for The Big Thing You Must Have. When the time comes that it is imperative to get what you need, do whatever it takes. Women don’t respect men who are wimps.

8. Don’t Eat Slop. You can’t cook or she can’t cook, both of you must learn to cook. Take a cooking class if you must, but both of you have to be able to put together a solid meal. Food is one of the keys to a long-lasting marriage.

7. Eat Slop. Leftovers, doggie-bags, stuff you’re not sure is safe, dump it all in your gullet. Time is your biggest enemy in a marriage. Spending three hours making dinner every night will destroy you. Cook a Thanksgiving dinner once a month, eath the leftovers for a week. Order two extra meals when you go out to eat, take them home, eat them the next day.

6. Share money. You don’t have to have only one bank account, but a common account where you both can deposit and withdraw funds is crucial to making your marriage a joint-effort.

5. Have your own money. You want that video card, she thinks it’s stupid. She wants those mineral costmetics, you love her without the glop. Keep separate funds separate and buy your own toys without having to ask permission.

4. Argue. Don’t hold it in. Let her know her choice of presidential candidate is a rube and her taste in music is silly. She should tell you that your dancing is obscene in many countries and your collection of porcelain figurines is dumb. Mock, ridicule, and chastise each other. Nobody is perfect, you’re not going to have the exact likes and dislikes. Arguing is Honesty, and no relationship can survive without it.

3. Don’t Argue. She wants to give money to the dog rescue at the pet store, you think it’s a waste of cash. Pony up some payola with her, don’t start a diatribe against charities or non-profit organizations that outfit their CEOs with luxury cars and million-dollar salaries. This is something she loves, she’ll love it more if you participate with her. Be good, be nice, suck it up and hold her hand as she gives your latte money to a potential swindler.

2. Be The Man. Equality shmequality, it’s your job to kill bugs, unclog the drains, get on the roof, change the oil, carve the turkey, say Grace, and watch chick-flicks without being grumpy.

1. Appreciate her being The Woman. She works, cooks, cleans, and smells nice FOR YOU now. Say thank you. Flowers are never inappropriate, even after 13 years. Bask in her beauty and tell her how lovely she is. Hold her tight when she’s sad, soothe her fears when she’s afraid, and bow before her when she rocks your world.

And a Nordstrom’s gift card will usually solve most issues where you’ve screwed up and need permission to come back in the house.