Yup, Right in the Bajubees
And now a message from the BRKWWA CEO and Chief Disinformation Propagandist, BRK.
Dear BRK Reader,
We here at BigRedKitty Worldwide Amalgamated have seen the future, and it is cheap, plastic USB authenticators. We’re so jumping on this bandwagon, our calves ache in anticipation.
What does that mean for you? Well we’re proud to announce that, very soon, you’ll be able to purchase your very own, BRK Anti-Keylogging and IP-Seeking Nuke-o-Matic.
A BRKAKIPSNoM? Hold the glee down, please! Thank you. /ahem
First off, it’s not just a USB device, it’s got some of that Bluetooth goodness shoved in there. Just have it on your person, it’ll automatically sync to your Bluetooth-enabled computer and start the whole authentication process on its own. You don’t even have to plug it in! It’s the 21st century, for cryin’ out loud. Cables and connectors and plugs are so 90s, right?
Next, it does all that six-digit authentication hoopla that the Blizz one does. You’d expect that, so we can’t avoid putting that feature in, now can we.
But what’s going to make you send us two easy payment of $19.95 each for the BRKAKIPSNoM is that it has customized software we “found lying around” at NASA, (specifically the new NSA facility near launch complex 17). When your BRKAKIPSNoM connects to your Mac/PC/LINUX/Atari/TI-99/Coleco box, it’ll search your hard drive for existing keylogging software. When it finds one, it grabs it by the throat, slaps it several times, insults its intelligence, then dissects it, finds the IP address that it sends its data to, and converts that information into a street address using Google Earth and a totally wicked database that the CIA let us use. That we hacked. And stole. And, um… vandalized. Repeatedly.
Then, the BRKAKIPSNoM starts subscribing the occupant to every deviant magazine and newsletter the Internet has available. It searches the online genealogy records maintained by the Mormon Church, finds the ‘logger’s family tree, and sends those people personalized greeting cards,
“Dear Sir or Madam, your relative X has tried to steal my personal information on the Internet, I’ve caught him, and now you’re going to suffer. Enjoy your new subscription to “Man and Sheep at Play” weekly. You don’t want your neighbors to know of your predilection for fluffy-hooved love? Tell X to repent, apologize publically, and repay everybody he’s scr3wed over, then we’ll talk. Peace out, and all that gibberish.”
But is that all? Of course not!
Every BRKAKIPSNoM uploads its list of keylogger IP address to the BRK Mothership Cluster. Powered by the waste from 27 nuke plants that’s trucked in from up and down the eastern seaboard, the BRKMC was designed by the same folks who built the Earth Simulator in Japan. But instead of nice, friendly weather programming, the BRKMC is a virulent entity, capable of channeling its radioactive-core right smack into the Internet, and like a Trident missile, right at a keylogger’s computer. Not only does it fry their machine and every piece of electronic equipment within 100 yards of it, it renders the operator sterile for a year.
And isn’t that what you really want, to render these keylogger @ssholes incapable of reproduction? We thought so, so that’s what we delivered. That’s the difference between BRKWWA and Blizz, you know; we care about You first.
All this for only two easy payments of $19.95? But wait, there’s even MORE!
Your BRKAKIPSNoM can be custom painted with Alliance or Horde insignia. You can have your class icon airbrushed on there. It comes in an array of fashionable colors, you can have twenty-five letters engraved in silver on it, you can have it covered in a choice of five leather grains, there’s a titanium and ivory version, even a Koala Bear Skin protective sleeve accessory!
And it has an LED display that keeps track of how many people around the world that have been made impotent from the BRKMC. The next great WoW drinking game, “Every time a ‘logger can’t shoot, take a shot!” is going to be massive! Keep your wet-bar well stocked, that’s all we’re saying.
So stay tuned, stand by, and don’t change that channel. Operators will be available, and your BRKAKIPSNoM can make you the envy of your entire server.
Thank you for your continued participation in the BRK community. We won’t tell your employer, we promise.
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30 Responses to “Yup, Right in the Bajubees”
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I would buy this.
Trust Blizzard not to go far enough with security. Thank {enter appropriate word in here} there’s BRKWWA watching out for us small money paying serfs!
/pre-order
Some days I worry about BRK and how much radiation he’s actually absorbed.
I’d still buy this though
It should look like hobbs, or maybe TJ on a winter saber, and it should just sit next to the computer so that it can shriek whenever it gets a hit. maybe hobbs could turn red and say “kill command?”
Send me 6!
/snicker
BRK, your product is far superior to that of Blizzard’s. Do you have a full product list I may view? I might be interested in some of your other wares.
/no buy
/invest
Invest: only if Blizzard incorps this idea into all of their games.
For 1 game = failure
Totally in for it looking like Hobbes. Then you plug it in and it gets all Big and Red…
mmm.
Ordering 2.
….if it was Hobbes-shaped, where would the plug be located?
Quote: “Keep your wet-bar well stocked”
Check - My son, who turns 13 tomorrow! Bought me a kegerator for Fathersday!
Best son in the world? I think so!
p.s. It is currently well stocked with Pyramid Heffeweisen, but looking for suggestions as that keg is nearing the end of its life.
@Anon
He’d have his paw out in a swipe, and that’d totally be the plug. That way he can send his claws through your computer into the web and to the throat of his next victim.
@BRK
ROFLMAO! I’ll take 1, with Alliance insignia, covered in Tauren Leather, with the Hunter class symbol. Oh, and engrave “Dial Up Sucks” on there in that silvery stuff, yeah? In fact, if you can find a way to make this thing nuke the stuffy high-speed interweb people who REFUSE TO GIVE ME SERVICE IN THE COUNTRY… (/huff) then I’d buy 3.
Not available my *bleep*, not like we don’t have phone service out here!
*Edit* Yay, I’m not blocked as spam anymore!
/buy buy buy
Make mine a titanium horde with a insignia.
Oh can i get DEATH TO PALADINS etched into it??
thanks
Winter
And again, what’s this post all about?
One please.
One question… do they stack??
So can I assume BRK got hacked and is venting?
I thought BRK was an avid Mac user and mostly immune to this sort of thing.
*Reads comments*
I think I’ve found a way to stave off the effects of the Global Credit Crunch.
*Phones Broker*
“BRKWWA! Buy! buy! buy!”"
Yet another piece of BRK awesomeness i do so love these posts. Had me laughing for about as long as your discussion on how leather workers can make any hunter love them with those spiffy Drums… omg did i just say spiffy … the BRK-ination has begun. surrender yourself too it embrace it or perish in a hail of bullets and arrows All Hail BRK!!!!
But is making them sterile *really* sufficient? What you need to do is also make it hack into a debt collection agency’s system, and convince it that they need to have all of their clothes (except for their underwear) repossessed.
You know. So they get a taste of their own medicine.
Incidentally, I have NO IDEA where everyone keeps getting that Blizz’s authenticator is USB. Because it isn’t. It isn’t even mentioned. It doesn’t plug into anything anywhere at any time. It is a strictly celebrate token device.
I don’t know what all the hoopla is about. These are just RSA Tokens, that have been around for a while now. I have one that I use to log into my companies Virtual Private Network when I am on the road. It is cool that Blizz is making this part of the login process for WoW though if you choose to buy it. Which I will because I can attest that it is virtually impossible to hack a token that is always on your person and changes its code every 60 sec.
I’ll take a dozen.
The device that Blizzard is offering is not USB based. It does not connect to the computer in any way, shape, or form. I like to repeat what others have said because according to BRK, “I continually ruin everything.”
Love it; that’s a real hoot.
I like Doomsday’s comment re Hobbes; “kill command?”
Friend of mine got hacked recently, looking at WoW desktops.
Somebody had embedded a trojan in one of them; downloaded and installed when he clicked on it.
He was very lucky, talked to a GM and got all his stuff back; purples as well as money.
I laughed. Out loud. Repeatedly. Then i read it again. Laughed some more.
I’d buy that for a dollar (or 40)!
“and a totally wicked database that the CIA let us use. That we hacked. And stole. And, um… vandalized. Repeatedly.”
Those men with the shades, cheap haircuts and cheaper suits sitting in that p.o.s. sedan outside you house would like to speak to you. Best of luck, Airman.
=/
““Man and Sheep at Play” weekly”
^best part^
Please BRK a koala isnt a bear. All hunters should know a koala is a marsupial & belongs to the same family of animals as kangaroos ( i think kangaroos should be a hunters pet if only Blizzard would add it to the game). A koala is quiet, furry & is a herbivore. The koala does have a nasty cousin though the drop bear what jumps on the unexpecting if you walk under the tree they are currently residing in.
Darn it. I hope that BRKWWA knows better then Blizzards and ships it to more then just the States.
We hunters of the great white north would love to be able to have our own personal RSA key Generator. and at only 6.50 (one would guess somewhere near cost) They should consider adding one to each box of the expansion that is sold at retail.
DeadRabit of Thoruim Brotherhood (US)
/pre-order one for self.
/pre-order more for family members who play.
/wishes she had enough cash to pre-order one for each guildie in her guild so that she no longer has to witness the terrible actions of hackers.
Thank you’s very much. Goodbye you hacking @ssholes. We hope to never see you again. And if we do, we will fry you into next year.
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