Dear BRK
“This is your brain speaking. Are you awake?”
Hey brain! What’s up?
“Have you had your coffee?”
Yes! It was scrumptious.
“Good. Now if you have a moment, I have some concerns.”
Whatsamattah, brain? Talk to us.
“Your performance in Alterac Valley last night is giving me pause.”
We rocked AV!
“You did not.”
We went 8-1. That’s ‘rocked’ in anybody’s book.
“You were a train wreck of insanity and non-conformance to basic PvP rules. Frankly, you shut me out almost the entire time.”
We crushed ‘em! What you talkin’ bout, Willis?
“Question #1: Where did you get the mage bread?”
…
“Where. Did you get. The mage bread.”
No idea. We started the first AV and after taking IB Tower, it was in our bags. We never clicked on a table, nobody opened a trade with us, but there it was, a nice 20-stack.
“You have no idea how you got it.”
None.
“You obviously clicked on a table.”
We didn’t! We swear! Tell us when we clicked a table.
“I have no idea either, hence my confusion.”
Maybe we can make bread all by ourselves… we’ve morphed into… OMG, we’re a Mag-unter!
“Right. Question #2: Why did you charge that 5-man team defending IB Tower and how did you survive?”
We charged it because… we didn’t have Track Humanoids on.
“I told you to turn it on, didn’t I.”
Yes, you did.
“But you didn’t do it, did you?”
I hit the macro.
“You hit your Fel Mana potion, doofus.”
Oh, so that’s why we only had 14 of them left, not 15…
“Yup. You slammed a Fel Mana pot, charged into IB Tower with Track Elementals cooking, ran into a 5-man team guarding the tower… and lived.”
We did! /cheer!
“How?”
No idea.
“DO YOU REALIZE HOW MAD THAT MAKES ME!”
Totally understandable, but it was awesome! The mage went down so fast, then we put Hobbes on the priest and the warlock tried to Fear but Bestial Wrath FTW and the warlock ate hot arrows… and maybe the paladin fell off the tower…
“Yes, the paladin fell off the tower, that’s why you lived.”
We crushed that tower!
“You lucked out, you punk.”
Whatever. We got the tower.
“So why did you leave it?”
Um… because someone whispered us to go take SH Bunker.
“So you left your tower unguarded and tried to take the bunker.”
We TOOK the bunker!
“And they took it right back.”
Not for three more minutes. That helped us win that battleground!
“How did you know there was a rogue and priest going to SH Bunker with you? You forgot to whisper the people back and say you were going!”
We did?
“Yeah. You got a whisper saying, ‘Go take SH Bunker!’ and off you trotted. Did you ever think of communicating with them to find out who was going and who was going to guard your tower?”
No…
“Leaving a tower unguarded is pretty dumb.”
Horde never took it!
“Dumb.”
We won…
“D.U.M.B. Now, about that mage.”
Ooo! The frost mage we beat into a pulp! Yeah?
“You had no cooldowns.”
No, we didn’t. That was a mistake. We were going to make him eat Bestial Wrath, but it wasn’t ready. Neither was our PvP trinket. But we killed him!
“How did you manage it?”
Not a clue. He was Blinking and freezing and cone of cold or something and we just jump shot in-place and sent Hobbes with Mend Pet and the mage died before we did.
“You had 118 health when he died.”
Yup.
“He just had to call your mother a bad name and you would’ve been killed.”
Yup.
“You were fighting inside the base of the west Frostwolf tower without any cooldowns, against a full-ready frost mage, and you won.”
Yes!
“And you don’t have any strategy you made up or wisdom you can impart as a result of your victory?”
Not a sausage, no. Don’t be stupid and go against a frost mage when you have no cooldowns, that would be a good lesson.
“I hate you sometimes.”
It was a beautiful thing!
“How did you end up pulling the entire Horde pack of vendors into Drak’s room?”
OK, now that was pretty cool.
“Can’t wait to hear this one.”
We were taking the east Frostwolf Tower, and we got blown off and landed right next to the Shaman cave…
“Blown off the tower? You didn’t fall?”
No! We flew and flew waaay down the hill into a huge pack of horde vendors by the cave where the Shaman hang out. We might have been hit by a snowball, remember those?
“Of course; remembering stuff is my job.”
So all these vendors attack us, we send Hobbes after them, we Feign Death, and then we ran all the way up the hill, back into Frostwolf camp, and attacked Drek. But Hobbes was following us, we had a Mend Pet on him, and the vendors just beat on him all the way with us and into Drek’s room.
“You pulled the vendors into Drek’s room. Why didn’t you just put Hobbes on Stay, let the vendors smack him around, and when you got far enough away, Hobbes would’ve despawned. Then you could’ve Called him and he would’ve appeared right beside you, the vendors nicely resetting?
Hey, that’s a good idea…
“IF YOU WOULD LISTEN TO ME, YOU COULD’VE DONE THAT!”
We were busy trying to get tower and contemplating that bizarre flight into the vendors to really pay any attention to you at the time.
“You’re a colossal goober and the fact that some people listen to you at all is frightening.”
Did you see us ninja that graveyard?
“See you? I was screaming at you to watch out! You thought you were going on Defense and were going to ‘help’ at that graveyard, but you arrived and it was already captured by the Horde, and they forgot to defend it.”
Yeah! Then we captured it again, which totally stalled their offensive, and we won!
“You never looked to see if there were any Alliance attacking it or defending it, you just showed up and there was nobody there to stop you from taking it back. That’s not being a ninja, that’s being stupid and having dumb luck.”
We are a ninja; don’t take that away.
“You’re not a ninja; you’re a moron.”**
We took out their leader, a paladin who kept trying to take our graveyards, several times. We defended a lot.
“That paladin was a typical cockroach who you put Scorpid Sting on instead of Viper Sting.”
Really?
“YES! You didn’t even have Viper Sting on your action bar the entire night!”
Scorpid is pretty useless against a paladin…
“OH!? You don’t SAY?!”
No wonder he had so much mana…
“I’m ashamed to be related to you. You should sell your blog and give the proceeds to the Noob Society of America.”
Well, tonight we buy our Merciless Gladiator’s Helm thanks to all the honor we made yesterday!
“Fine. Just don’t screw up and buy the Shaman helm, OK?”
Honestly, we promise nothing.
** TJ approves this sentence.
Indi on 31 Jul 2008 at 12:43 pm #
(from a Horde hunter)
No wonder the horde is so useless in AV. We get beat when outnumbering a hunter 5-1, have mages that can’t beat a hunter with no cooldowns, and have NPCs that don’t do anything, even when they are all dragged into Drek’s room. If my pet had all the Alliance NPCs on it for 10 seconds it’d be dead, and they wouldn’t reset after my pet died. They never reset. Just once, I want an AV weekend where the Horde start at the Alliance base, and vice versa. That’d be the life. Easy tower capping, no NPCs, and easy GY capping. /sigh
FEUERHUND on 31 Jul 2008 at 12:51 pm #
A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Tchann on 31 Jul 2008 at 12:59 pm #
Your brain cares a lot more about PvP than mine does. >.>
As long as I’m shooting things and things are dying, all is awesome. ^.^
yunk on 31 Jul 2008 at 1:03 pm #
Wow our npcs suck.
Alliance npcs aggro if you just look at them funny, and they all come, and they never go back just keep beating on clothies until we kill them.
Well ok usually you see some dufus aggroing them by running through them or shooting them. But still.
Also I find I like BGs more when I just shut my brain off. There is a huge liquor store across the street from me that looks like a castle with underground catacombs you can rent wine storage space in. It helps me survive.
Andy Salisbury on 31 Jul 2008 at 1:16 pm #
Easily one of the funniest posts I’ve read in a while. Good one BRK!
Papaoomowmow on 31 Jul 2008 at 1:18 pm #
LOLOL
As a horde hunter and AV lover (and hater), I really enjoyed that post, BRK.
As an NPC aside, I swear we horde aggro anyone and everyone. I’m fairly sure Mother Theresa ganked me once….
Kinzlayer on 31 Jul 2008 at 1:37 pm #
@Papaoomowmow: I like you!!!
/agree with Yunk, I usually check my brain at the cave exist when I’m running out to AV, otherwise it will just die of terrible annoyance.
With my pally, I find the meanest baddest warrior/druid to hitch on and heal till I die. I haven’t done any BGs with my hunter yet so as soon as my warrior get to 70 I will let loose the hunter’s BWness in the nearest BGs. I think I will sit back and snipe, muuuuaaaahhhhhrrrhhhhhaadgggggg.
Jacemora on 31 Jul 2008 at 1:41 pm #
OMG, I hope we get back to raiding again soon… LOL
Anonymous on 31 Jul 2008 at 1:51 pm #
Not one of your better posts BRK, to much unbelievable stuff.
jason on 31 Jul 2008 at 1:53 pm #
wow more ego stroking from BRK what a surprise
Samala on 31 Jul 2008 at 1:57 pm #
I’m just glad I’m not the only one who has those conversations with myself.
This line
“You’re not a ; you’re a moron.”
comes up in my conversations a lot too.
Harmun on 31 Jul 2008 at 1:58 pm #
lol- I loved this post. When I AV on my healadin, I typically follow around a dps class with a bit of control (like rogue, hunter, lock, or mage) and keep them (and pet, if applicable) alive- I find it’s better than trying to shockadin defend a tower…
Sonvar on 31 Jul 2008 at 2:21 pm #
Ahhh mindless pvp ain’t it great.
Loneranger on 31 Jul 2008 at 2:28 pm #
@Andy, Papa, Anonymous: Apparently no one can read that the post was made by TJ, not BRK. Fail!
I don’t do BGs, but I found that post quite hilarious. I imagine that would be how I would do BGs (Ramboooooooooo!), and I also imagine that anyone on my team would be very upset with me.
Dice on 31 Jul 2008 at 2:34 pm #
Too funny. I almost spit my Coke up at lunch. “You’re not a ninja; you’re a moron” classic. Thanks for the good laugh
Cecilq on 31 Jul 2008 at 2:49 pm #
“There is a huge liquor store across the street from me that looks like a castle with underground catacombs you can rent wine storage space in.”
yunk, you live at Clark & Wellington?
(apologies if you have no idea what I’m talking about
)
Eamuscatuli on 31 Jul 2008 at 4:39 pm #
TJ - Very nice
Cecilq - Outstanding
yunk on 31 Jul 2008 at 4:51 pm #
Cecilq: yes.
“With my pally, I find the meanest baddest warrior/druid to hitch on and heal till I die.”
Back before TBC on my priest I even had macros to target the best equipped tanks in my battlegroup to make healing easier. And if anyone had a Thunderfury I’d just put them on /follow and spam heal while he devastated the entire alliance solo.
TJ on 31 Jul 2008 at 5:30 pm #
@Loneranger: I do NOT write this stuff. Trust me.
BRK on 31 Jul 2008 at 5:31 pm #
TJ is the BRK Executive Assistant. We write, she posts for us.
Don’t tar her with our noobness.
We could’ve sworn this whole post was about what a noob we were…
tego on 31 Jul 2008 at 5:48 pm #
yes BRK, but a lucky, lucky noob. also one that needs to think more apparently. loved the post
Fathgar on 31 Jul 2008 at 7:27 pm #
I really do not want to start a flame war, that is not my intent at all but I find this quote to fit some of the replies to this post
“The coward only threatens when he is safe.”
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
And to boost BRK’s ego just a little bit more another quote from the same person
“A clever man commits no minor blunders.”
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
And finally to rule them all this should be adopted by BRK IMMHO
“Let them hate, so long as they fear.”
- Lucius Accius Telephus
Tynaqua on 31 Jul 2008 at 7:55 pm #
I actually SLOL’d on that entry. I think we’ve all had a BG sprinkled with ungodly luck. That was yours. Now you realize, of course, you’re doomed for the foreseeable future.
Can I have some of what you’re drinking.
gnomeaggedon on 31 Jul 2008 at 8:41 pm #
Me: You make me laugh so much at work
Brain: stop laughing at work.
Me why not laugh at work… is there anything else to laugh about at work.
Brain: /sigh ok, go ahead
Egamamai on 31 Jul 2008 at 8:50 pm #
Hmmm… Mage, Warlock, Priest and a clumsy Paladin. That’s a 5-man team? Minus one? Your brain apparently didn’t catch that numerical error either…
Narian on 31 Jul 2008 at 10:19 pm #
If you can’t recall certain events from that night then how do you know it really happened?
Anotherclown on 01 Aug 2008 at 12:08 am #
I did something similar y/day. I was sitting behind a war/druid combo and burning down some alliance when I suddenly got 4 shotted by a rogue. Damn…. I was in my pve gear.
Dalmeth on 01 Aug 2008 at 2:44 am #
You should call these posts “The Huntard Monologues”
vcproj on 01 Aug 2008 at 9:00 am #
BG’s are not a test of skill.
Sure, it’s pvp, but it really isn’t a test of skill.
How did you do in arena again?
Oh yeah. You quit because it wasn’t your cup of tea.
That’s okay though. Not everyone can do well in arena’s. Team composition etc.
In BG’s a hunter can do very well because they can sit back and pew pew at will.
Saintjames BM hunter, Darkspear/Cyclone
BGs wut? on 01 Aug 2008 at 10:29 am #
BGs are just about rolling over the under-geared noobs who have no idea what they’re doing. I mean really, I go in on my warrior and 2-3 shot the silly priests in full PMC. That takes skill?
AV makes me want to claw my eyes out.
Nefernet on 01 Aug 2008 at 10:57 am #
Great post BRK !
I fully agree with you : who cares about brains in AV ?
I did my first Alterac Valley this week, with my lvl-55 PVE-levelling hunter !
It was awesome !
And I too put my brains away, and all my real-life problems aside.
I just ran in the snow yelling yoohoos, sent my big red Noé on paper priests, and pew-pewed some mages and put explosive traps everywhere and got one-shotted by Drek because I didn’t know we had to wait till the adds were gone… and then wiped because we actually had no tanks and the tanking pets were dead (T_T) and everyone feared…
It was a real mess but, blimey, it was good, it was fun, it was refreshing,…
And… I got a brand new nice weapon… Great ! ^_^
Dear elitist morons on 01 Aug 2008 at 11:08 am #
“How did you do in arena again?
Oh yeah. You quit because it wasn’t your cup of tea.”
“BGs wut?…That takes skill?”
What a bunch of pricks.
You smug idiots do realize that your accomplishments in arena are meaningless to literally 99.9% of the world’s population, right?
(I arrived at this percentage by figuring that, of the 6B people in the world, 12M play WoW…and of those 12M, half don’t give a crap about you or anything that you do)
Enjoy clinging to whatever weak, pathetic “achievements” give you a sense of accomplishment in your otherwise empty shells of lives, and keep posting your bullsh*t to sites where no one wants you around, simply so you can sit back, cross your arms, and allow your lips to slowly form into a smirk of self-satisfaction. Oooh, you sure showed us!
Also, let me know how things go in the job market, as I’m sure putting “1870 3v3 Arena Rating” on your resume will knock the socks off of prospective employers.
(For future reference, I want that Italian BMT on herb & cheese, not white…and don’t forget my extra green peppers)
The rest of us will go back to playing this GAME with the goal of having FUN, and will continue to read this blog as a source of ENTERTAINMENT.
Dipsh*ts.
BGs wut? on 01 Aug 2008 at 1:17 pm #
Lol, you’re acting like more of an elitist prick than anyone else in this post. Pot, meet kettle.
BRK himself said he lucked out a number of times against the alliance he faced, and what I said is true about BGs - the better geared players feast on the lesser geared characters. This is not an indictment of anyone, simply a statement of fact. It was like back when premades ran amok and those poor pugs stood 0 chance of winning.
The geared steam-roll the un-geared. That is how BGs work - I’m sorry if you’re so unfamiliar with BGs that you don’t realize this. My reference to “that takes skill?” was about ME playing a warrior using a skillherald in 4/5 brutal gladiator gear and killing priests in PMC (that’s primal mooncloth). I can literally 2-3 shot clothies with less than 7k health. THAT DOESN’T TAKE SKILL. I’m not sure what your deal is, but maybe you should take your head out of your *ss.
And I’m not sure where all the resentment comes from? Perhaps you tried and failed in arena? I dunno. Maybe you find PvP to be boring. No idea. But you don’t see me making posts that consist of, “Lol you gonna put 5/5 SSC 9/9 BT on your resume?”
I enjoy PvP more than I enjoy PvE. Simply because you don’t doesn’t mean you get to walk around acting like an elitist prick.
Jerk.
Dear elitist morons on 01 Aug 2008 at 3:30 pm #
All that ranting & you still forgot to put extra peppers on my sub.
Finnioch on 01 Aug 2008 at 7:49 pm #
This used to be such a happy place.
Excellent post BRK, its always great to see what a skilled hunter can accomplish… even when he is being rather “noobish”.
From a dedicated forum lurker,
Cheers!
BGs wut? on 02 Aug 2008 at 2:12 pm #
The irony of you being named “Dear elitist morons” and telling people that they should wait on you is killing me.