Flightline Electronics Lessons
Never release the Magic Smoke. Once a piece of equipment releases its Magic Smoke, it’ll never work properly again.
When in doubt, get a bigger hammer.
Very few problems cannot be solved by using excessive amounts of force. However, the application of this force always creates a new problem that is worse than the original one.
If someone asks to borrow your tools, they will inevitably prove that they don’t have a clue what they’re doing.
Do not use the “Bypass” feature of the Weigh On Wheels switch, unless all the crew chiefs are in on the joke.
Ask someone in Fabrication to construct a custom bracket or an addition to some equipment that will be unique and possibly award-worthy, and you’ll immediately get five motivated and experienced NCOs busting out the acetylene torches and metal presses to get you the stuff you need. Ask someone in Fabrication to help you extract a 3/32” stripped screw, and you’ll get an angry and sullen E-3 in about four hours.
The coolanol will go everywhere, regardless of how well you plan.
If you want to never have to touch coolanol again, mix 20 with 25R.
You used too much heat-sink compound. Way too much.
You’ll need twice as many wrenches as you brought, and only half as many screwdrivers.
The nut you dropped in the cockpit will not be found until you declare the aircraft FOD’d out. At that time, the nut will be sitting on the seat pan, as neatly as you please.
There is no glory in working in the cockpit, only pain.
If you need a rubber gasket or bumper, a ping-pong paddle is an excellent source of high-quality rubber. Just don’t tell the Production Supervisor what you did until you’ve returned from the deployment.
The time it takes to make a repair is directly proportional to the number of officers watching you work.
Do not wear silk boxers when working on the flightline.
Yes, the female crew chief is hitting on you.
If you strap seventy-two 1oz bottles of Tabasco sauce in the wing of a U-2, and that plane flies at altitude over Bagdad, when it returns, the bottles will be empty. Where the sauce goes is a total mystery.
Sensor systems are the answer to the question: Why. The pilot and the airframe are the answer to the question: How. The defensive countermeasures and parachute are the answers to the question: Oh Sh!t.
The first twist of the connector is the most important, but it’s the last twist that’s evaluated.
You are not as cool with your Leatherman as you think you are.
We once knew a sergeant who could test aircraft voltages by pressing bare wires against his tongue. Do we need to say more?
One stripped screw is not an emergency. Twenty-seven stripped screws is. Get our drift?
If they don’t have their own toolbox, don’t ask them for help. They were denied a toolbox for a reason.
A toolbox is not a step stool, a wedge, a paper-weight, an anvil, or a lunch box.
The fuel-drain hole will look exactly like the ground-plug hole to the person who’s never seen an aircarft wing up-close.
If duct-tape is too obvious, use RTV.
Telling the section chief that they promoted him because they wanted to get tools out of his hands will land you in the Tool Crib, every time. It’s worth it, though.
Label your cannibalization mess, “Awaiting Parts” and nobody will ever question it.
He who controls the little cart that runs around the flightline, controls the universe.
You’ll only cross the red line once.
You are allowed to laugh when someone accidentally rips out $15k worth of fiber optic cables. Just make sure they cannot hear you.
When they say the rules don’t go out the window when war comes, they’re lying.
Don’t install a Playstation in your ground support equipment and not expect the pilots to demand to use it.
When talking to a pilot on a ground connection, don’t say, “Breaker breaker, candy maker! How does your garden grow?”
You should not make up your own hand signals without telling the rest of the crew.
A traveling wave-tube amplifier is a TWT. Nothing else.
Cargo straps should be used only to hold things together, not to pull things together.
Electronics technicians do not need ball peen hammers. Sledge hammers are a totally different animal.
Crew chiefs are not dummy loads.
A crew chief’s spit-can is the single most disgusting object on the planet.
You can earn the respect of a crew chief for a day with lunch. You’ll earn his respect for life with a case of Bud.
Always make sure the cooling fan is spinning, but don’t do it by shoving your finger in the blades.
If you need the little instruction paper that comes with a connector, you’re not a technician.
The ESD wrist strap won’t help if you drop a beenie-weenie on the circuit board.
Don’t juggle oscillators.
Don’t abuse zip-ties.
A bobtail truck can pop a wheelie.
Do not put a “Beer Rig” sign on your truck.
Do not offer to drive the local girls on base with your truck.
Do not pass the installation commander in your truck.
When the maintenance officer announces over the radio net, “Tally ho!” Do not reply, “Who’s this chick Talley, and why is she a ‘ho?”
When the maintenance officer announces over the radio net, “Let’s have a little radio discipline, please,” do not reply, “BAD RADIO! BAD, BAD RADIO!”
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Too funny!! Keep em coming. I love the Airman Howell stories. I came to this site cuz I have limited time to play WoW (12 hour shifts due to ORE’s, ORI’s, LSET’s and just generally not having enough people to complete the mission) and wanted to make sure I played my alt hunter with a bit of style. Little did I know that there would be hilarious interludes about military life. Keep em coming.
Thank you from a grumpy TSgt
Ahhh, so much funny, so little time.
Making me laugh at work as always.
Good thing I work for the government and laughter/crying is par for the course.
LOL Oddly enough about 60% of those also apply in the world of maintaining automated lighting gear for a Broadway show.
Especially the cooling fan comment; always use your buddy’s screwdriver.
Thankfully my boss is at lunch and can’t ask me just what the hell is so funny that I am laughing my coffee up through my nose!
this post = win
“The ESD wrist strap won’t help if you drop a beenie-weenie on the circuit board.”
How true.
“A traveling wave-tube amplifier is a TWT. Nothing else.”
I have to totally DISAGREE with you here. I used TWT’s all the time and the much older Klystron tube amplifiers. We always called it something else. But then again in SATCOM it is required in school that you pass a smart-ass test to pass the course.
But I also can agree with a lot of the rest.
“If duct-tape is too obvious, use RTV.”
So very true. RTV is also a miricle worker on air powered spud guns when chasing connection leaks.
I’m afraid I am going to have to ask for elaboration on the reasoning for and the mechanics of the Tabasco sauce in the wing of the U-2. This sounds like another story in itself.
“You’ll only cross the red line once.” Once is all it takes to never make that mistake again.
ALL of these are Airman Howell stories.
Are you going to have us vote on which one we want elaborated on first? Or are these chapters in a book, lol.
Bad, bad radio.
Being in the Canadian Air Force I can totally confirm this hits so close to home.. Too funny.
Damn BRK! This site is to perfect!
Do not swat a fly away from your face that looks like an engine on fire signal in front of the aircrew in their running A/C!
It lacked the 800 words prologue, but it compensated by having a hundred funny points, brilliant
Seriously, I can’t pick one that was better than the rest – they were all pretty awesome
With not much work you can get a heavy aircraft tow vehicle to get all 4 wheels off the ground while heading down the taxiway.
And this sage advice comes from experience?
As always, very funny.
“BAD RADIO! BAD, BAD RADIO!”
I had tears in my eyes and how to show a non-WoW person why I was crying.
You slay me, BRK. Hahahaha.
The winner for me–with tears in my eyes and my coffee set safely aside: “Breaker breaker, candy maker! How does your garden grow?” ROTFL
Bad vent. Bad bad vent!
Our druid is always talking worthless crap on Akil’zon when I’m trying to hear for the electrical storm. Why is it always druids?
Anyways I would like elaboration on the red line and the tabasco please!
This:
You’ll only cross the red line once.
This:
A bobtail truck can pop a wheelie.
And This:
When the maintenance officer announces over the radio net, “Let’s have a little radio discipline, please,” do not reply, “BAD RADIO! BAD, BAD RADIO!”
All three of these pretty much sums up the life of a maintenance squadron troop.
But I would add:
The Zamboni makes a great office chair sling shot.
Added to the Airman Howell wiki page:
http://www.bigredkitty.net/brkwiki/index.php?title=Airman_Howell
I agree that the Tabasco sauce experiment needs further explanation, and perhaps further investigation.
For science!
Looks like you have Airman Howell stories lined up for the next couple of months.. Looking forward to an installment of any of these
Oh, do these bring back memories…
To add my two cents to this list…
When asked to get a foot of flightline, bringing back a chunk of concrete is a good way to make your flight chief Not Amused(tm).
An afterburner check is a test of a jet’s afterburners. An AB check is getting someone suited up in full wash rack gear, strapped into a B1 stand with cargo straps (for holding, not pulling together) and setting them behind a running jet.
The keys to the aircraft are not in the Tool Crib. Nor are they in Ops. Nor Life Support. Nor in Prod Super’s office. Nor with the crew chief’s flight chief. Nor with the Chief of Maintenance. Nor in CQ. Nor does the Maintenance Office have them. They do not, in fact, exist. (Thankfully, I was in on this one, not the victim.)
A fallopian tube is not only a part of the female anatomy. It’s also a hydraulic line. One should be careful when asking the female supply sergeant for one, though.
You can suck at every other aspect of your job, if you can tie up a safety wire pigtail the first time, every time.
By the time I got to the ESD wrist strap I had gone from chuckling to belly laugh. But I have to say that back in my radio astronomy days, every time I had to go out and climb the antenna tower to hit the TWT with a screw driver I certainly called it something else.
Good stuff. Always wondered what you guys were doing when I was riding around the flight line in my little fire truck, now I know……………..
“If you strap seventy-two 1oz bottles of Tabasco sauce in the wing of a U-2, and that plane flies at altitude over Bagdad, when it returns, the bottles will be empty. Where the sauce goes is a total mystery”
this MUST be explained. MUST MUST MUST…. also damn you brk my sides hurt like hell now from trying not to disturb the entire office block
Radio discipline always resulted in at least someone getting the MOC commander to yell “Just you wait! We will find out who is doing this tomfoolery and get this Article 15.” To which someone would always respond with “Catch us if you can Colonel Know It All!”
After about five of those, we all had to be in blues for a Commander’s Call. Was funny, but the hour and a half ass chewing the whole squadron got and the extra duty day sucked.
Crew chiefs are not dummy loads….. Though apparently there was at least one who has his MOS redefined as one, however briefly, and weather or not it was against his will….. this one also must be further explained. so sayith the 15k unbuffed pally. and as you say we are cockroaches. just try to stop us
You know, I get the feeling that you’ve done almost all of these…except for shoving your fingers in the cooling fan to see if its still working of course. Although I’m sure you saw someone attempt it. LOL awesome BRK, absolutely awesome!
Bobtails do pop wheelies fact
watching someone cross the red line is enough for you to never cross the red line
if a slightly over weight Staff Sergeant tries to play a joke on you and askyou to go to support and get s P.E.P.S.I adapter don’t bring him a diet pepsi.
A foil gum wrapper, propperly implemented, can fix a malfunctioning Mission Computer (the brain of an F-18) when the A/C MUST fly….just don’t tell the pilot how u fixed his plane. A simple “Trust me sir, you don’t wanna know” should suffice. =)
Sending a noob throughout the squadron to find a B. A. 1100 N.S.T. ring NEVER gets old.
-ditto for “exhaust samples” (noob with a hefty garbage bag, behind the A/C, as u run it up to 80%)
-or the look on their face when u tell them to go to Flight Equip. to get fitted for their body bag, great right b4 combat deployments…
…whats this “hazing” u speak of??
I say this is much funny even better then Skippys list
I have to say, I was rolling laughing as I was heading out to the plane (was reading this on my phone) and made sure to share it with fellow crew chiefs. It was the highlight of our day
Oh and as an addendum:
-Playing the “Murloc Aggro” sound over the radio because you just heard the Pro Sup getting pissed cause the crew jumped tails, Priceless XD