It Was Like a Tonka Truck, Only Better
“So the new {classified} system is going to have fiber optic communications,” announced the Chief Master Sergeant in charge of the Avionics workcenters for the U-2 at Beale AFB, California. “So one of you is going to be getting some fiber optics training, and then that person will come back and teach the rest of the people what you learned. Any volunteers?’
“OOO!! Mememememe!” I waved and jumped and made a fool of myself.
“Anyone?”
“CHIEF! I’ll do it!”
“Anyone at all?” and the assembly started to titter.
“CHIEF CHIEF CHIEF!!!”
“It’s a two week trip to Sheppard AFB in Texas. Sheppard isn’t Vegas, but I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.”
“Sheppard, Chief? Well forget that. I thought it’d be a trip to Lockheed Martin somewhere on the coast. No way I’m going to Sheppard.”
“Airman Howell, you’re volunteering?”
“Heck no. You’re not sending me to Sheppard.”
“Gotcha. Pack your bags, you’re going to Sheppard.”
“AW COME ON!”
“Aw c’mon *Chief*.”
“Aw c’mon Chief…”
So I got my temporary duty assignment to Sheppard for fiber optics training.
The wonderful thing about using fiber optics on an aircraft is that the electrical interference is eliminated. With all the systems and cables and moving parts so closely packed together on airplanes, the data on the wires can be made noisy, which interferes with the operation of the systems.
Induced-noise is very difficult to troubleshoot. The pilot returns from a mission and reports that the systems weren’t working as advertised, but when you start them up on the ground, everything works perfectly. What could be happening is that, at altitude, the signals on the wires are being degraded due to everything being powered up at the same time. Using fiber optic cables eliminates the interference, thus making a more stable operational platform.
There are two downsides to using fiber optics: they are much more expensive than traditional copper wires, and the techniques to repair and manufacture these cables aren’t taught in the traditional electronics schools. Every electronics technician is taught how to solder and build multi and single-pin cables, but nobody was trained to fix fiber optics cables. So the squadron needed someone professionally trained, and Sheppard apparently had a course in fiber optics cable maintenance, so the squadron commander “purchased” a slot for a technician of ours to attend the course, and I was selected to go.
I got my orders, hopped in the super-green Honda Del Sol, drove from Beale to Sheppard, and prepared to attend class on Monday morning.
Something was amiss in the class. I, of course, was a flightline and backshop electronics technician, but I was the only one in the class who actually worked on aircraft. There were some combat engineers, some computer network technicians, lots of communications people, and even a Navy SeaBee. But the only person who actually knew what an airplane felt like was me.
“This course is going to teach you how to build and repair fiber optics cables,” announces the instructor. Ok, that’s why I was there. “And we’re going to show you the best way to integrate fiber optics into your underground trunks and the best way to string them between facilities, using traditional poles and tunnels, and some new scaffoldings.”
Underground? Poles?
For the first three days, we used lasers to etch and fuse the tiny glass cores to connectors and join two pieces of fiber optic glass together, and then used microscopes to determine the quality of our glass-welding. These tools I had never used before, but the others seems to rattle off their specifications from memory. Something just didn’t add up…
“OK, let’s get to work on the most important part of fiber optics, and that’s installing them. Let’s go out back and start digging.”
Digging?
We trundled out back and sitting in the grass was a bulldozer. A backhoe, specifically. You’ve seen them, right? Big yellow monstrosities?
“Now you’re all got your Class Q license with you yes?”
“Oh yeah!” they all exhaled.
“A what?” I quietly muttered.
“Good. So who’s going to dig a 5’x5’x5’ hole in the ground for us?”
And lots of hands went into the air, but one person’s hands remained glued to his back.
“Airman Howell, how about you dig us a nice hole.”
“I think one of the Red Horse guys could probably do a better job…”
“Cmon, let’s get this done.”
“Really, someone with more experience with dirt should probably do this.”
“More experience with dirt?”
“Yes. If you need someone to get that backhoe to 70,000 feet, I’m your guy. But underground, I’m pretty worthless.”
“70,000… what the {bleep} are you talking about?”
“I’ve never used a backhoe!”
“HOW CAN YOU BE IN THIS CLASS AND NEVER DUG A HOLE TO INSTALL COMMUNICATIONS CABLES!”
“BECAUSE I WORK DEFENSIVE ELECTRONIC COUNTERMEASURES AND ELECTRONICS SENSOR SUITES FOR U-2 AIRCRAFT! I’M NOT A GOPHER!”
And the class muttered at being compared to a gopher, but were still mostly transfixed at a student trading spittle-shrieks with the instructor.
“Wait a minute! You’ve never installed communications cables?”
“Never.”
“You’ve never worked on telephone poles?”
“Like dancing?”
“You’ve never installed a splice box on a cherry picker?”
“What does fruit have to do with this?”
“You’re in the wrong {bleeping} class, you know that?”
“Well that seems bloody obvious now, doesn’t it.”
And the instructor stood there a minute, stuck in some logic-loop.
“I’m getting the Chief.” And he stomped back to the classroom and called his Chief. There was little we could hear, until the yelling started.
“He’s finished a third of the class already and he’s the best glass-welder here! We shouldn’t send him home, what’s the point of that!”
Now the other students all gave me the stink-eye.
“WELL COME DOWN HERE AND THROW HIM OUT OF THE CLASS YOURSELF!” /phone-slam
The instructor walked back outside, his nose in the air. “Airman Howell, the Chief is coming to see you.”
The class continued with someone who knew how to use a backhoe digging a very pretty hole. Then they started installing the underground fiber optic boxes using very important skills, the details of which I had no idea what they were, as I was ensconced on a dented, empty box.
The Chief arrived. “Airman Howell, I’ve checked your records, and you’re in the class that your squadron signed you up to attend. But what they should’ve realized is that this is a class for fiber optics cables installers for facilities and combat engineers, not for avionics troops. So I should send you home.”
“Understood. I get outta here.”
“But I have a better idea: we’re going to teach you these skills and charge your squadron extra.”
“You want me to use the backhoe?”
“I’m *ordering* you to use the backhoe.”
“I live to serve. Point me at the business end of the backhoe and I’ll do my duty.”
“That’s the spirit!” and he marched off back to his office.
So I learned the basics of how to operate a backhoe, a huge forklift, and a cherry-picker truck. I was taught the best ways to weather-seal fiber optics junction boxes to survive underground and inclement weather. I got to dive into manholes and use my fiber optics repair techniques on wire buried in tunnels. I was a gopher.
I graduated, like a good airman should. They gave me my diploma, I saluted the commander, packed up my things, and drove back to Beale, where I submitted paperwork to get some new codes added to my military drivers license. As anyone in the military knows, a properly-filled-out form can move mountains; I got the backhoe and cherry-picker truck added to my license easily, no questions asked.
“So, Airman Howell,” the Chief sung from his reclined chair a few weeks later, “are you ready to start teaching some of the other airman how do repair fiber optics cables?”
“You bet, Chief! When do you want me to start?”
“Well, what will you need to get the class running?”
“Do we have a backhoe? If not, I can get one. Then I’ll need some ‘BEWARE – OPEN MANHOLE’ signs, and some hardhats with lights. And a portable air-cart, ‘cause fresh air is mandatory when working on telecommunication trunks underground…”
“A backhoe?”
“Yes, you have to be careful not to try to dig up too much at one time or you’ll tip over, even with the feet down. So…”
“You’re {bleeping} me.”
“No {bleep] Chief. You sent me to a combat engineer class on installing fiber optics cables. Underground. OH! And on poles, too! I could get a cherry-picker!”
“Get out of my office, Airman Howell.”
“I graduated at the top of my class.”
“Get. Out.”
And I never drove a backhoe again.
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/salute Airman Howell! Priceless as always. I had to take a moment to compose myself at work after “Like dancing?” and then the topper “What does fruit have to do with this?”.
Excellent read, as always.
Your stories are the best. I look forward to your military stories more then your Wow posts!
“SNAFU” comes to mind
Good story.
Oh BRK, is there anything you can’t make interesting?
Anyone else wanting to hear the Rocket Scientist Howell stories?
ISS: Uh Houston we have an issue
RSH: Don’t you mean: Houston we have a problem?
your tax dollars at work, folks!
funny stuff, though
Soon as someone comes up with a way to make fiber optics less damn difficult to terminate, the world will rapidly begin to change in profound ways. Or so says me.
Wow, BRK … way to make me spew coffee onto my monitors.
As always, <3 the Airman Howell stories. Absolutely hilarious!
You need to save some of these for the movie man really this is funny ish
This was my first Airman Howell story…I want more.
BRK, I wish your were like my uncle or something so I could come visit you and the family at Christmas and while everyone else is hanging singing carols and eating pie we could be locked in the basement PvPing together.
If only…/sigh
That’s almost creepy Twev…
I love Airman Howell stories.
Priceless. no more words needed there methinks
[...] bookmarks tagged dancing It Was Like a Tonka Truck, Only Better saved by 4 others muse bookmarked on 12/11/08 | [...]
At first, I thought this was going to be a giant BRK analogy for something but I couldn’t figure out what…
But what I did figure out that this was a good read and I learned something new about BRK.
For those of you who are new to Airman Howell stories there are several more, and honestly, more funny, than this one. Not to discredit this story, it’s solid and damn funny, and a painful example of the military at work in soooo many ways. But some the other stories, HOLYCOW, I still laugh at them evne on the fifth or sixth reading.
Click the Airman Howell Link up top to go to a page consolidating them.
I don’t play a hunter. I enjoy the articles but I stink at it. I’m a great tank, a solid healer, and suck at generally doing any DPS whatsoever.
But these? These stories are really what I stick around for. Sure, the other stuff is good, but these are total gems.
I love Airman Howell stories. I was actually considering emailing you about the lack of Airman Howell lately, but i guess you read my mind…
As a fellow member of the USAF I can relate to this tale whole-heartedly. Great read.
Well told! Thanks for sharing.
I would have loved to hear what “brain” had to say during some of these moments as well.
Awesome read, BRK! Your WoW posts are incredible, especially for us BM Hunter-types…but it’s nice to sneak a peek into your real life adventures once in a while, too. Incidentally, should you ever really make it to Vegas, be sure and let us know ahead of time. There are at least a few loyal readers out here who would love to take you out for a cocktail to show our appreciation. Fair winds.
Every time I read one of the Airman Howell stories I’m stuck by the fact that most of them are funnier than Catch 22 was when I read it. Which makes me think that you should really put these together as a series of short stories and try to sell them so you could finally quit your day job.
That said, I enjoy reading them freely because {bleep} they’re funny. I laugh my {bleep} off every time I read one. Sometimes I even force other people to listen to me read them to them, or send them links until they go read it, because I find it so funny that I must inflict the funny upon others.
Man, I miss the military. The logic, the understanding… the suck it up and drive on.
good times.
Hey, now, nothing wrong with Texas!
I shouldve learned by now, airman howell stories are a chuckle, especially the end, dont start eating because you think the chuckles are over.
“Get. Out.”
Anyone know the best way to remove half chewed haribo starmix from a keyboard?
(Also, JCB’s = WIN!)
I must know the time period in which this Airman Howell story occurred. Having spent some time at Sheppard myself, it would be amusing to see if he and I were there at the same time.
Thought at first first Brain, BRK’s Guardian was going to be in this one and then quickly remembered Brain, BRK’s Guardian is supposed to be on vacation right now.
Gratz on the new trinkets and relics for the license. I have dabbled in the backhoe before (the last time was probably 10 years ago) and the “…tip over…” line had me laughing.
Thanks for sharing!
PS – Yes! Remembered to command-c before hitting “Submit Comment”… you know… just in case!
LOL great story, me being a Aircarft Mechanic (crew cheif) in the Air Force I find this especially funny
. I remember the days at Sheppard, lol brings back memories.
There is nothing wrong with Texas, unless you’re anywhere west of Dallas/Arlington/Ft. Worth or north of Fredericksburg, especially coming from Florida (which, I believe is where BRK is from).
Um, edit button isn’t working for me, so….
Great Airman Howell story, btw.
Doing the math:
4 years of college.
Joined the military in 1991
You must be between 39-42 years old.
Question:
Are you still in the military?
Hehehe, atleast you got to add some new things to your license..
Did you ever get around to dancing on that telephone pole?
Negative. I live right in the middle of Dallas proper, actually.
[...] It Was Like a Tonka Truck, Only Better [...]
Nope!
I, too, never tire of the Airman Howell stories. It’s a wonder you aren’t a general.
The stories my Dad could tell you about working on th electonics of a B2 Bomber…like the time they were working on the plane, loading it’s bombs, and one was dropped.
He asked his Chief if they should be clearing out, was told it’s completely safe, promptly pointed out the fact that the crew loading the bombs was now running for cover, and suggested they did the same.
Spent the rest of a very hot day watching them carefully remove the bomb. Given, this is back during Vietnam, so things probably went a bit different than they would now.
That is the funniest thing I’ve ever read.
You just discribed what my Hubby does for the Coast Guard. Fun to hear it from your perspective…
However, after hearing you on your podcast, and more recently, on the TNB podcast… I’d have to say the funniest thought in my head was the thought of hearing you scream back at a superior… to be honest, you sound like a huge pushover of a dork XD
Love the stories, though.
Finally another Airman Howell story. Very amusing as always.
Thanks for posting.
LOL!!!
Brings me back to my Navy days. Was an Aviation Electronics Technician Third Class when i left.
These posts remind me so much of Skippy’s List.
Keep up the good work, you winged gopher.
Love the Airman Howell stories! Great way to easy into a friday morning at work
Wow, I was stationed at Beale, back in the day, was a local from Wheatland lol. Shoot I thought they got rid of the Dragonlady and her friends.
damn brk, you ought to be a radio comedian!
but man was that funny… i lol’d irl!!!
I love the military. Man I laughed so hard I cried. There are some things I miss about being in; mostly the stoires that only come from the military!
You need to tag 3 more stories with the Airman Howell Category:
http://www.bigredkitty.net/2008/01/18/another-non-wow-military-recollection/
http://www.bigredkitty.net/2008/03/11/zzzzzooonk/
and One of your Dancing Stories:
http://www.bigredkitty.net/2008/03/18/like-macarthur-just-not-in-the-philippines/
Backhoe fun. Especially when you find out your local utility company has marked the ground at precise right-angles to where the gas lines and buried live power lines are located, by pulling them out of the ground with the bucket of the backhoe. While the gas is turned on. And the power is turned on.
I’m pretty sure that I set a new personal record sprinting for the gas shut-off valve. Never moved that fast before even under fire from a .50 cal.
I love these stories you do. Can you compile a section for your Air Force stories separate from the regular hunter posts? It’s a pain to search for them to share with my fellow Military buddies.
nvm, found it
Some of the hunter stuff goes over my head, though I generally get the gist of it. This was my first Airman Howell story… and I loved it. It’s for stuff like this and the BRK vs. the Brain that make me laugh every day. Thanks so much, BRK!
You, sir, are an inspiration to us all.
Goddamn brilliant.
That was awesome BRK… fun as almost all your stuff… but maybe you should drop fiber to your own house… Verizon is placing fiber to the home now… and I must tell you 20/5 makes downloading movies while playing WoW so much easier… with no lag at all…
*cries laughing*
Oooo! You can ask Mrs. BRK for a backhoe for Christmas! You really should not let training like that go to waste. /vroom
Classic!! Ahahaha
/salute